Confessions of an angry fat woman, what no one told me about weight loss

I've been thinking up this title for awhile.  I started this blog to talk about my weight loss journey, and despite my posts about book reviews and recipes, the core of this blog has remained the same; it's a blog about health, fitness, and my journey to finding them.

People aren't comfortable talking about being fat it seems, unless they were there, and are actively working towards not being obese any longer.  Lately, I've had the honor of having some really frank conversations about what it's like to be fat, lose weight, and both the psychological toll it takes, along with the things that no one really told us about losing weight. I'll own all of these, but some of of them are also taken from discussions with friends.  And before people start commenting about it, here is my take on my use of the word 'hate.' Being angry, hating something isn't wrong.  Mourning that loss of understanding of who I was, is never wrong.  But I have to get over the mourning, get past the anger, and get to acceptance and moving on.  

• I hate when people say how nice I look since it makes me think they lied  to me when I was fatter. 
• I hate feeling like I'm being lied to. 
• I absolutely hate being told how beautiful I'll look when I hit my 'goal' weight. 
• I hate when people ask how I lost the weight. Taking drugs makes me feel like I cheated to do it. In my case, I took phentermine to help start my weight loss, and the last 40lbs have been been I started taking Vyvanse for my ADD.  Appetite suppression is one of the side effects, as is increased energy.  This is why I need to work on fitness, and getting those healthy lifestyle changes in place for when I don't have the medicine to help me.  
• I worry about how I see myself, and how pretty I feel now, and how I probably got fat to keep potential myself from getting hurt.  
• I'm scared of getting attention from people I don't know, and I really hate getting unwanted attention from men I don't know.
• I'm the same damn person. How dare people treat me differently now. 
• I hate that skinny people watch Biggest Loser and talk about how pretty they are when they are 'normal' sized.  I'm fat, but, I'm still 'normal.'  I almost feel like Biggest Loser watching should be restricted to overweight people, because I'm pretty sure skinny people aren't learning empathy watching it, but rather enforcing the mindset that you can lose this weight really fast, if you just tried hard enough. 
• I hate fitting into someone else's view of beautiful and what that means, and I hate that I want to be that person. I hate that there is a part of me that doesn't care about the healthy aspect of this, I just want to be hot and skinny. 
• I hate how scared I am about losing weight, and how my body is changing.  
• I hate being constantly scared of gaining the weight back.  
• I'm pissed when skinny people assume that I have a shitty self esteem because I'm fat, and treat me patronizingly, telling me to 'love myself.' Thanks, I don't need your brand of therapy.  
• And...I hate that I let myself ever get to the point where I was at, where I let fear, self doubt, depression and pain lead myself, and I forgot to let health and fitness take the lead.  

I've said this before, and I'll say it again; losing weight is a psychological battle, as much as a physical one.  You can lose the weight, but if you don't deal with the reasons you gained it, you'll gain the weight back.  Every single day, we have to choose what we eat, how we move, and what we do. Every day we're given a chance, and simultaneously have one taken away from us that we can never get back.  We have to constantly motivate ourselves, to change our lifestyles, to change our habits, to change our mindset, and to change our hearts. 

DIY Nasal Saline Rinse Solution

I hab a cold (said in most pitiful of voices). I always seem to have colds or some sort of congestion between being around kids, and having sinuses that are chronically swollen. People have been telling me for years about how much I need to do nasal rinses, and while I did them sporadically, I've only recently started to do them regularly.  I'm sick of being sick, and  if they help keep me from getting horrible sinus infections that are having to be treated monthly with antibiotics, I'm willing to shoot pressurized water up my nose.

For the record they AREN'T sinus rinses. You do NOT rinse your sinuses, but rather your nasal passages. If we could rinse our sinuses we would get mondo infections because anything we inhaled could get in them.  This little disclaimer was brought to you by my old ENT who got verrry annoyed when people talked about how wonderful sinus rinses were.  

New Years Goals, NOT resolutions

I had a mind blowing moment last night when I realized that it was actually 2012.  No seriously, I really thought that it was 2011...

It being a New Year means, for many, a time of making and breaking New Years resolutions.  I never really jumped on that  bandwagon because ... frankly I would just jump off as soon as the going got tough. We have enough failures and disappointments in our lives, I personally don't need to feel like MORE of a failure. Instead of resolutions, I want to set goals for myself.  For many years, I never set goals for myself and I wonder why I felt like I was just sort of meandering through life in survival mode with no real tangible goals. But this year has been a big one, in a new place with a lot happening.  I started this blog almost a year ago and it's been pretty amazing to see, written down somewhere, all of the things that I have done.

When discussing waste recently I brought up to my husband that we talk about wasting money, we talk about wasting light, water, food but how often do we discuss wasting time? I feel the weight of my mortality on my shoulders growing heavier. Yes, I'm in my twenties but recently I experienced some losses that brought this inevitability too close for comfort.

I found out recently that two people that were very dear to me passed away.  The mother of my childhood best friend passed away a couple of weeks ago.  She was a huge part of my childhood and adolesence and her house proved a haven for me when I had no where else to go.  She loved me like she was my mother, accepted me for who I was and treated me with respect and dignity. I won't ever forget her kindness and friendship.  The second person was my mom's best friend when I was little. It turns out that she passed away two years ago, but we just found out. My mom had been trying hard to get in touch with her, writing letters that weren't answered or returned, calling, searching on facebook to no avail. finally she managed to get in touch with her sister and found out the news. Ironically, it turns out that she passed away right after we had visited. That visit had been the first time in close to a decade. Amy was a huge part of my life before we moved to to the midwest, but her past years of drug abuse were just too much on her heart.  Abusing your body catches up to you as you get older.  I will remember all the wonderful times that we had when I was younger.  We had such a lovely visit the last time we saw her, and I will hold those memories closely.

So these experiences have lead me realize even more that I need to stop wasting time. It's the one thing that we absoultely need but we can never get back.  How much of this last year have I wasted being ill, exhausted, lazy, unmotivated? How much time do I spend wishing that I was doing something productive?

I'm not going to call these things New Year's resolutions but I would like to set goals for myself. I haven't in the past and then wondered why I just floundered around wondering why I was passing time without feeling like I was making forward progression.  So here goes!

This blog:
I would like to update at least 2 times a week, if not more. I handed out a loooot of business cards this past weekend at MAGfest and if I need to get up photographs of all my jewelry and crocheted items, and work on setting up an etsy shop.  I think that will be the easist way to drive traffic to see all of the items that I am making, while not devoting my entire blog to attempting to get people to buy my pretties (but please, still buy my pretties!!!).  Also on the agenda is hopefully a blog remodel.  Being married to a computer geek has it's perks.

January goal: Write in blog 2 times a week.  Start writing a design document to lay out how I want my blog to look after it's redesigned. Discuss the design document with the hubs.

Health:


One day last summer I got an email about Zumba classes and decided, what the hell, I'll try it! So I did and enjoyed it. At the time, I was taking yoga too. But then, I joined a gym that included zumba AND yoga classes in the monthly membership and I have gone to exactly ... 2 classes since. Aren't I a depressing stereotype? This has to change.  My goal for this year is to work on my health.  I figured out my allergy (read here) and am off every medicine but ONE (and that one I want to take). I want to go to the gym at least 2x a week and pick up a new class to do once a week. I would like to get back into yoga, even if I only do it at home or for half a class.

My old Zumba instructor does a 3 month health challenge and I really want to win it. I'm not optimistic about my chances, since it seems all of these people are already health fitness gurus, but it would be nice to lose some weight, get healthier and win a bundle o money in the process.

I also have been struggling with anxiety and taking out my anxiety on my husband. I stress about little things and forget the big picture.  I'm not sure if it is getting worse, or better over time but since I spent so much of the last decade taking anti-depressants, I'm not sure I ever learned how to really cope. Now for the sake of my sanity and my marriage, I need to.

January goal: Go to Yoga class on Sunday morning.  Try a zumba class.  Doesn't matter when or if I only do it for 20 minutes--just get over my fear of the new and unknown.  Also, get on elliptical in my room at least 1x a week.  First thing in the morning? It would be awesome. Sweat is our friend. Work on anxiety issues. Find a cognitive therapist.  Make an appointment.

Food: 
Meal plan dammit! When I meal plan and buy for meals, I eat a lot better AND we eat out a lot less.  I know I'm eating a lot less lately, but I need to make sure to plan to eat small snacks every 3 hours so my blood sugar doesn't plummit. When that happens, I turn into The Incredible Hulk and that isn't pretty!

January goal: meal plan meeting 1x week with husband.  Personally plan small meals/snacks for myself. Make sure to have these foods on hand so that I can eat every 3 hours.

Books:
I love to read, but somehow television, my computer and the free trashy novels I get for my kindle take precidence over real literature. I would like to read some of the sci fi fantasy books that my husband loves.  I'm still a little weirded out by having electronic books. I almost don't want to spend money on them because  I feel like the book will one day disappear from my kindle.  Anyone else feel like this?  Maybe this is the same paranoia that makes me want to stock up on water and food in case the Mayan calendar really is predicting the end of the world.  I blame Dark Angel for making me paranoid.

January goal: Read the first Hunger Games book. Yes, I've been told that I'll be immediately HOOKED but it's all about the starting.

Entertainment:


I am getting more involved with meetup groups and am strongly considering moving my facebook group back to Meetup.  I think it is important for me to build a group wtih a strong infrastructure and member investment. I can't go to every event, or control all of them and I don't want to. I want to create an environment where like minded people can meet, socialize and find friends.  To an extent, I have created that, and personally am getting out and socializing more, but I want to incorporate more people and more volunteer work. What makes volunteering even more fun? Doing it with your friends! I have blessed to have everything I need in my life, and it is time to stop hoarding and wasting my time, and instead give some of it to people that need it.

January goal: Make decision on future of group, and volunteer. Significantly cut down on TV and internet time by downloading audio books to listen to, with my new handy dandy library card (that I have yet to use:( ).
_________________________________________________________________________________

I hope to accomplish a lot of this through making a schedule for myself, and working with my husband on a schedule for him as well.  No, this list isn't exhaustive but it's a nice tangible start. In a month's time (I'm giving myself the first week of February to get this stuff done!) I would like to come back through this list, and see what I managed to accomplish.


What are your goals for the year?  Do you periodically stop and reassess your goals? How do you get back on task when the craziness of life throws you off balance and schedule?