Confessions of an angry fat woman, what no one told me about weight loss

I've been thinking up this title for awhile.  I started this blog to talk about my weight loss journey, and despite my posts about book reviews and recipes, the core of this blog has remained the same; it's a blog about health, fitness, and my journey to finding them.

People aren't comfortable talking about being fat it seems, unless they were there, and are actively working towards not being obese any longer.  Lately, I've had the honor of having some really frank conversations about what it's like to be fat, lose weight, and both the psychological toll it takes, along with the things that no one really told us about losing weight. I'll own all of these, but some of of them are also taken from discussions with friends.  And before people start commenting about it, here is my take on my use of the word 'hate.' Being angry, hating something isn't wrong.  Mourning that loss of understanding of who I was, is never wrong.  But I have to get over the mourning, get past the anger, and get to acceptance and moving on.  

• I hate when people say how nice I look since it makes me think they lied  to me when I was fatter. 
• I hate feeling like I'm being lied to. 
• I absolutely hate being told how beautiful I'll look when I hit my 'goal' weight. 
• I hate when people ask how I lost the weight. Taking drugs makes me feel like I cheated to do it. In my case, I took phentermine to help start my weight loss, and the last 40lbs have been been I started taking Vyvanse for my ADD.  Appetite suppression is one of the side effects, as is increased energy.  This is why I need to work on fitness, and getting those healthy lifestyle changes in place for when I don't have the medicine to help me.  
• I worry about how I see myself, and how pretty I feel now, and how I probably got fat to keep potential myself from getting hurt.  
• I'm scared of getting attention from people I don't know, and I really hate getting unwanted attention from men I don't know.
• I'm the same damn person. How dare people treat me differently now. 
• I hate that skinny people watch Biggest Loser and talk about how pretty they are when they are 'normal' sized.  I'm fat, but, I'm still 'normal.'  I almost feel like Biggest Loser watching should be restricted to overweight people, because I'm pretty sure skinny people aren't learning empathy watching it, but rather enforcing the mindset that you can lose this weight really fast, if you just tried hard enough. 
• I hate fitting into someone else's view of beautiful and what that means, and I hate that I want to be that person. I hate that there is a part of me that doesn't care about the healthy aspect of this, I just want to be hot and skinny. 
• I hate how scared I am about losing weight, and how my body is changing.  
• I hate being constantly scared of gaining the weight back.  
• I'm pissed when skinny people assume that I have a shitty self esteem because I'm fat, and treat me patronizingly, telling me to 'love myself.' Thanks, I don't need your brand of therapy.  
• And...I hate that I let myself ever get to the point where I was at, where I let fear, self doubt, depression and pain lead myself, and I forgot to let health and fitness take the lead.  

I've said this before, and I'll say it again; losing weight is a psychological battle, as much as a physical one.  You can lose the weight, but if you don't deal with the reasons you gained it, you'll gain the weight back.  Every single day, we have to choose what we eat, how we move, and what we do. Every day we're given a chance, and simultaneously have one taken away from us that we can never get back.  We have to constantly motivate ourselves, to change our lifestyles, to change our habits, to change our mindset, and to change our hearts. 

Consistency

While I am enjoying writing my religion series, it takes awhile for me to digest, think through and write each entry. I am attempting to condense years of my life into a few hundred words.  I never expected the interest that these entries would bring, and thank everyone that has read.  Today I am breaking from the series to blog about learning to live a healthy lifestyle.

A couple of weeks ago I read this quote from one of my favorite bloggers about consistency;
"It’s not what we do occasionally that makes the difference. It’s what we do consistently."  Ronisweigh

See that is the crux of my problem. I, like many Americans am great at doing something one...maybe two times.  Getting that gym membership on a getting fit high, and then using it like twice.  Yeah, been there done that.  My problem however, is doing things over...and over...and over again.  You'd think that it would be easier for me to do that since I love routines but I have always struggled.  I think I am finally overcoming some of that.

My meetup group goes to water aerobics on Mondays, and three of us go to yoga on Wednesdays.  It is a lot more difficult to cancel if you are accountable to other people.  Having that accountability and routine weekly has helped me shape my routine for the rest of the week.

While I was out of town my husband started to lose weight.  He started being more aware of what he was eating, and when, and also I think was able to have his thyroid medicine fixed.  He has lost at least 20 pounds and either his doctor was hitting on him, or he really does look better when she said 'you're looking really good.'  Mwahaha I'm so getting in trouble for putting that out here, but I really can see a difference.  His face is looking slimmer, and his stomach is looking...well, deflated.  I'm really proud of him, and I try to help motivate him daily.

After reading and thinking about Roni's blog entry, I decided to do 10 minutes of physical (aerobic) activity a day.  Yes, water aerobics and yoga counted, but what about the other 5 days? I've gone on walks with my husband, or worked on the elliptical to get my 10 minutes of aerobic exercise a day.  If I felt like it, I'd frequently go over. The one day I 'cheated' I walked around the grocery store for almost an hour. I didn't sweat, but at least I was moving. That is the goal--to CONSISTENTLY exercise and integrate more movement into my every day life.

This week I'm doing 15 minutes. After I had surgery in December and wasn't allowed to work out at all for a couple of weeks, I lost all of my stamina and my motivation. We'd just moved, I didn't have a trainer, my back hurt ect. All valid reasons but excuses never the less.  I'm working on getting back that stamina and every time I get on the elliptical and that extra 5, even 10 minutes isn't too difficult, every time I can stretch a little more in yoga, run a little faster in 5 feet of water, I see that stamina coming back.  I need to get in shape, I need to get healthy.  No just for me, but for my family.

My husband and I decided that while you are never completely 'ready' to have a baby, that we were as ready as we were going to get.  About 6 months ago we actively started 'trying' to have a baby.  So far, no go.  All the baby books point to one thing.  I'm fat. My cycle isn't always regular, and I'm not even sure I am ovulating. What can I do? Besides go to a doctor and get checked out (that appointment is next week) I can start this routine and start getting into a routine that will lead to a healthy life style.

Every person that has lots a ton of weight using sparkpeople.com has made a healthy lifestyle change. It isn't about a miracle drug, or surgery, or all the sudden running and exercising for a short period of time.  We need to make changes every day. Those little changes lead to big ones.  We need to make exercise, healthy eating and learning about nutrition an integral part of our life.  If I don't, I'll never get off this yo-yo weight gain/loss and may never be able to have a baby.  Rather than trying to go all out in the beginning and losing motivation two weeks in, I want to build up a routine and stick to it. Wish me luck on my journey. I wish you luck on yours!

What is your routine?
How do you integrate activity into every day activities?

Goals, Dinner Menu and Pictures

I would like to thank all of the people that read and commented on my last post. I was touched by all the comments and I think many tears were shared all around. 

I never wished for this blog to be complete fluff, but I didn't want to be a controversial blogger either. First, I don't consider myself an expert in any arena.  Second, I don't see the world in black and white, but rather in shades of grey. As such, it is easy for me to see many different points of view, even if I don't necessarily agree with you.  I really enjoy posting articles about recipes and kitties but I hope to sprinkle in a few thought provoking ones along side them.  

One of the reasons I started this blog was on the advice of a friend who suggested I blog my weight loss goals, and journey.  During the last couple of years I've learned that making weekly menu's has really helped keep me on track shopping and eating.  I struggle with this, as I do with anything that really involves planning, but at the same time really did enjoy it.  I hope to start posting weekly menu's along with follow up.  I have a goal to try one new recipe a week, and hopefully will review them after I make them.  This week is a perfect time to do this since...we finally unpacked my cookbooks! I'm sooooooooooooo excited to finally have bookcases. My husband and I have never had room for all of our books, and we are both really looking forward to being able to display, organized and use them.  We started with three "Billy" bookcases from ikea, and most likely will need another 2-3.  Our goal is to have turn the front room into a library.

Back to cooking...this is this week's menu copied from my google doc that I made and shared with my hubby

Tuesday

Dinner: pasta with ground turkey and sauce

Wednesday

Dinner: Roni’s Chicken with mango, Sugar snap peas, and carrots

http://greenlitebites.com/2011/02/10/chicken-with-mango-carrots-and-sugar-snap-peas/

Thursday

Dinner:(hubby make) Stew with Barley, beef and veg (potatoes?)

Friday

Dinner: steak and broccoli stirfry from Get Cooking: 150 Simple Recipes to Get You Started in the Kitchen (I got this book for Christmas and haven't been terribly impressed with the recipes thus far, but I'm willing to try another)

I plan on giving the husband leftovers for lunch, along with bell peppers, and a fruit of some kind. For my breakfasts, I have been eating oatmeal. While I'm not the biggest fan of the packets, since they aren't nutritionally the best, at least I eat them. I'm buying some Clementines this week to snack on as well. I hope we can turn them into some light Orange Julius's as well! I'll post a recipe later this week on that as well, as soon as the hubby perfects his recipe.

Here are some pictures to entertain you :)

Dinner--Yum! Homemade cheese pizza with some ground flax and whole wheat flour. The crust looks funny cause umm...I nibbled

As soon as the bookcases went up, I filled them!

Loads of empty boxes that housed our books for far too long, and a curious kitty

Thanks for reading!