Sunday, July 22, 2012
Rainy Day Musings
It's one of those type of days where Dylan playing Blowing in the Wind seems to just hit the spot in your contemplative mood.
It's been rainy here, a blessing since the heirloom tomato plants that my lovely friend brought over are happily taking off, glad to stretch their roots down into a new pot of soil, rather than the cramped planter they were previously confined in.
I haven't written a lot lately, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I feel like I have to finish a 'story'...come to some conclusion or resolution in order to finish a blog post. I've begun a ton of posts--and for some reason just can't find the gumption to finish them.
My husband is off playing board games with his friends, and I decided that I wanted to stay home. I think I had some grandiose idea that I would cook and clean but that's only gone so far as making some potstickers, and waffles to freeze for breakfast. I've noticed an absence of enough vegetables in my life, and a predilection to only like cooking carbie foods and I really need to remedy that. Last night, in an ill-fated 'adventure' I attempted to find my 'limit' on how much cake frosting I could eat before I'd get a headache. The answer was...far less than I'd like. Did I stop? Not really. I managed to curb how much cake I consumed but continued to nibble on the frosting. I'm paying today with a headache, and hung over feeling most of the day.
Still, it's amazing to see how far I've come in the last 15 months. When I went to the doctor and found out why I wasn't getting pregnant easily, she gave me this laundry list of things to do. A list that I didn't think I'd be able to complete, even as I nodded my head in mute agreement. It seems now like I'm well on my way to making those things happen. It's encouraging and yet daily I question if I even want kids now. If I want to deal with the lack of sleep, the noise, the stress. Yet, I know if I found out that I was pregnant tomorrow, I would push these fears into the back of my head and be ecstatic. When people ask why I don't have kids, and I attempt to explain, as quickly as possible about the PCOS, after the pitying noises, it seems like they more often than not immediately ask if we'd considered adoption. This bothers me. While I have nothing against the idea of adoption, we haven't been married THAT long, I'm not damned to infertility, and what do you know about adoption or our desire or ability to do so? Frankly, the idea of having my life and financials picked over by a stranger for them to decide if I would be a fit parent, while some 16 year old gets knocked up the first go around infuriates me. I am constantly thanking an unseen deity for the time that my husband and I have together in blessful quiet, save for the cries of Henry being attacked by a playful catnip infused Newton. Not having kids right now isn't the worst thing in the world, and I wonder how many of those pitious looking people are quietly wishing they could swap places.
I think I've figured out why I don't write much anymore. I used to love writing, love sharing and love having an attachment to this blog. Having it was part of my identity but lately, it seems like one more thing that I haven't caught up with. It seems like one more way that I could say something out of place and piss someone else off because if nothing else, I'm damn good at accidentally pissing people off. It seems like one more way to remind me of my lack of close friends or direction in life. I feel like I've been dropped in a pool and everyone else is swimming laps and I'm sorta messily treading water, maybe doggy paddling as Olympians breast stroke around me. What the heck do I know about life, marriage, or parenthood? One of the saddest things about becoming an adult is realizing that you don't wake up one day knowing everything you need to know, or having definitive direction in your life. Childhood brings you up to see this idealized version of being an adult that exists only in a child's mind.
As I wrote above, I don't blog much about my experiences anymore because I don't want to offend anyone. I'm contemplating starting a second blog where I can just write about all the crap that bothers me, but it seems like it would be all negative and nothing positive. In the end, all I want is the negativity out of my life, and happiness, peace and positivity in. I feel like I've entered a state of contemplation in my life. I needed to find my passion again. What touches my soul? Before college my immediate answer would be music. Music was always that 'thing' for me, but when I left high school and weekly flute lessons that disappeared. A few weeks ago I attended a Baha'i summer school and got to learn from this amazing musician JB Eckl. I listened and meditated on the music, the prayers and realized that that passion with music needed to be reignited in my life. I listened to so much guitar music that weekend and decided I want to take up guitar. I've always wanted to play a stringed instrument but hadn't really had an opportunity to until now. Small hands and all, I will persevere.
I need consistency in my life. It has never been my strong point, or my husbands and that is becoming a serious issue. Be it consistency in working out, taking medicine every day, eating correctly every day...I suck at it. It is my goal to work on this consistency, and incorporate my playing guitar, eating well, writing in this blog etc. into that desire to have consistency. Oh yes, and positivity...because my natural tendency is to gripe and complain (yes, I do acknowledge this) but by looking at the positive side of situations, you can usually be more productive and happy in the long run.