Thursday, December 30, 2010

No more narcotics!!!

Yeyyyyyyyyy!!!!  I actually stopped taking them when my husband witnessed how miserable they were making me, and told me I should try to only take tylenol.  I ran out of the liquid stuff this morning and can swallow the pills, so it looks like I'm done with the liquid medication too.  I'm praying that this is it, and that I am FINALLY recovering.
I'm still not eating much but I ate some tortellini and I'm eating some soft cookies.

I am seriously considering trying the new weight watchers.  I'm not really interested in meetings and weekly torture sessions, I mean weigh-ins.  I however am very interested in getting my portion control back in check, getting the gym (when I'm allowed) and cooking healthy food for both my husband and I. I love baking, sometimes too much, and want to focus on healthy eating, not sugary starchy things.

My grandmother visited today! She was visiting her inlaws about 90 miles away and drove down to visit me for a couple of hours. I hadn't seen her in awhile, so I was really excited to see her.  We sat and talked about life, family, how much I look like my cousin's daughter at her age, and baking.  She's been building a house for years with her husband, and we used Google map so that we could see her land and where they are building.

Thats about it for now...my throat hurts and I talked and did more today than I have since I had the surgery. I think crashing on the couch would be a lovely idea now. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Jinx?

I finally feel like I am on the road to recovery! I am worried that I will say this however, then something will happen and I'll feel awful again. Day 5 was by far the most pain and it has gone downhill from there.  Today I've taken the narcotic painkiller once in a small dose, and then just the tylenol.  I wanted to see how much of the pain killing effect the tylenol had. So far, it is more effective than the narcotic!
It hurts when I talk, but sigh, I can't stop.  I try writing stuff down but I suck at that.
My stomach has been dicey, and I'm not sure why, although I have been eating almost nothing. I haven't been hungry at all lately, and I don't even care about food.  When I had my tonsils out all I could think about was food, and how much I wanted it!  Nope, not anymore!

Weight starting around surgery 277ish (gained 6lbs before surgery)
Current 268

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

hiccup hiccup gulp gulp

How often do you get the hiccups?  Are they little girlie hiccups, or loud gasping gulping hiccups?  Mine are the loud type. Loud and painful, plus I get the hiccups all the time. No, seriously; all of the time.  There have been times that I have gotten the hiccups 5-10 times a day. Is that normal? I don't think so. 
I generally get the hiccups more often than normal, so it didn't surprise me when after having tonsil surgery started getting them again except this time I started getting these weird gulping throat constricting things that made me cry out in pain.  It turns out that my medicine is causing it!  This is why I need to read the drug interaction papers that come with my medicine, because people don't normally think of hiccups as a side effect of pain medication!!

On the topic of medicine, my doctors office called in a prescription for my pain meds, but neglected to write it in such a way that the medcine had tylenol in it.  When I called to inquire (I attempted to have my friend call, but they were giving her the run around) the pharrmacist treated me like I was a moron.  I wanted to know if the medicine had tylenol in it, as my past medicine did so I was obviously not allowed to take additional tylenol.  Not a terribly difficult question to answer, but after a couple of minutes they gave me a straight answer.  
Now I'm conflicted over whether to call my doctors office and have them write the script for the exact same medicine I had before or not since...it causes hiccups.  The new stuff they gave me however means taking twice as much medication and it tastes AWFUL.  Not only does it taste awful, it makes me really dizzy/woozy and I ended up in bed, and makes my stomach super upset.  The other medicine didn't bother my stomach at all, but this stuff makes me want to throw up.  


After looking at this list, I think I'm calling the doctor in the morning.  My stomach wants me to. 


The scabs are sort of starting to come off. I'm not going to torture anyone with a picture of what I describe as a 'mucus covered stalagtite.'  My uvula is huge, and I can start to see new skin developing on the left side.

What do people think if cable? I thought that I desperately needed it, and couldn't wait to get it again when we moved.  Now that I have it, I'm not really impressed.  It is like there are 500 shows that have just been cycled around over and over again for a decade.  While I miss the interface, I can get almost everything I want on hulu, or online.  I think when I get a new computer I will want to ditch the cable.  What do you think?  My experience seems to make it even more obvious that the face of television viewing is changing.  

Monday, December 27, 2010

dyfunctional families, fluffy kitties, narcotics and Christmas

Rather than regale you of stories about how I didn't know I could feel this much pain, how about I talk about fluffy kitties, or my grandmother's impending visit?
Wait--narcotic time...
Okay, no wonder my throat felt so awful, it was time for my drugs.  While I am sipping my narcotic cocktail I shall continue to update.

Basically, my recovery can be summerized as 'ouch, ouch, ouch' and 'don't these drugs come in a stronger dose!?'  The first couple of days weren't too bad, but it went downhill from there, ironically at about the same time that my husband stopped giving me the full dosage of my pain meds.  We weren't sure that we wouldn't run out before we could get more, and didn't want to max the dose out.  My ears have been hurting pretty badly from the weird traveling pain. Who knew that your ears, sinuses, tonsils and teeth were all at the same level and could ALL hurt at the same time!

I think that I am starting to lose the scabs. I am going to let this process happen however it wants, and do nothing to facilitate it! I was reading about people eating toast to make the scabs come off, and I wanted to smack them.  Seriously, people?  Isn't that FIRST thing the surgeon told us NOT to do? It is this interesting burning sort of pain that goes from a 3-4 to 9 when I swallow. That is just swallowing spit, now if I try to EAT anything it is off the charts.  I made myself eat pasta last night, and my stomach was ok with it, but I paid for it with a lot of pain. Even my jaw hurt.

One of the interesting side effects of these drugs are weird dreams that just don't stop, that I remember.  I also had an Andy Warhol moment where I could see our black cat changing colors. He made a vibrant blue, and a rather pretty pink.  It was odd. Kids--stay off the drugs!

Now on to life that isn't painful. Omg my cat is so adorable! This isn't a shocker for anyone that knows my kitten, that he is the cutest thing on God's green earth, but he has really outshone himself during my sickness.  He comes up and lays with me for hours, even letting me pet him while he's sleeping, or he'll actually sleep on me.  He usually doesn't want to do anything that can involve someone moving while he is sleeping.  He gets into the tub and gets soaking wet too, so all of the sudden I have a very happy, wet, purring cat rubbing all over me. hilarious.

Moving on...my grandmother is coming to visit.  She's driving down here from where she's visiting in-laws in Pennsylvania.  My gma and mother have a strained (to say the least) relationship, and I've always felt stuck in the middle.  My gma may have not been a good mom, but when she had to step up and take care of us when my mom couldn't, she didn't do a bad job. We were loved, fed, and raised around our other cousins.  Perhaps this is why I have such a love of communal living now, since I was raised with my cousins and always felt like some part of me was taken away when we moved away from them.This said, I disagree with a lot of things that she's done, but I would like her to be a part of my life, and a part of the lives of our future kids.  A totally respects how my mom feels, b/c he feels the same about my mom, but I would at least like for him to meet her.

This will be the first 'grandparent' that he will have met actually. He hasn't met much of my extended family at all. Wait, I don't think he has met ANY of my extended family at all.  We had a rather whirlwind relationship, and marriage, moving, jobs and moving again have kept him from being able to travel with me up north to visit.  Hopefully now that we are in a more central location I can get him to visit with me more often. I quite enjoy the company of much of my family, and would like to show off my fabulous husband.

I'm not stressed about gma visiting, but I am annoyed that I am still too ill to clean and organize my house better, and since we just moved into, much of it is still in boxes.  I started making to-do lists last night while in bed.  Thinking about what needs to be done however is a lot easier than getting up and doing it, especially when post-operative pain, strict rules against 'working' and narcotics are in effect.  For the record--I bring up the narcotics because even when I had surgery or injury in the past I never took them for more than 48 hrs. I hated how they made me feel loopy, tired and grouchy.  This time I haven't had any other choice since even with them the pain can be almost unbearable.  You literally are just waiting it out.

How was your Christmas? Did you share it with fluffy kitties, dysfunctional families, or narcotics? Please share!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Updates...continued

I am laying in bed, on Christmas with a cat sprawled across my chest, a laptop on my lap and some gum in my mouth.  I can't really complain! Newton is the snuggliest kitty and makes being bed ridden so much more pleasurable.
My mouth hurts--especially the roof of the mouth, which must have been traumatized in some way during the surgery.  My throat, aside from feeling like there is something in it, doesn't hurt except when I swallow and then it REALLY hurts.  My ears are starting to hurt too, so I'm chewing gum which seems to help.
Getting through the night is difficult, as I have to get up to use the toilet, or take medicine, or drink water as soon as I actually get to sleep.
I feel bad for my husband because he is trying to get work done, but I need stuff from him. Yesterday I was in pain and needed snuggles and he was totally there to take a nap with me.  He has been awesome keeping track of when I can take my meds because based on pain, I need them basically hourly.  I'm worried that is is going to get even MORE painful.
When you are told to stick to liquids, it isn't because you can't swallow solids, it is because they come back UP, after getting stuck in your throat.  Just an FYI if you think that eating bread on day 2 is a good idea--it wasn't! I'm just sticking to apple juice slushies and jello. I haven't really been getting hungry, and have some pre-surgery weight to lose, because I actually let myself eat things like red meat and cookies so I'm not going to wither away and die lol.
Now I am going to continue to catch up on hulu with snuggles from the kitty.
Merry Christmas.  What are you doing this year?

Friday, December 24, 2010

sleep is the enemy? Who is sleeping??

They say sleep is the enemy after a tonsillectomy since you never want to let your throat dry out. What isn't mentioned is that you can't sleep even if you want because you're up every 45 minutes peeing out all those fluids you drank and eating more jello to stave off hunger pains at 4am. Oh yeah, I also love sucking on hard candy since things that aren't sweet at all, for some reason, taste dirty. Werthers toffees are my favorite by far since I never allow myself candy this is a rare treat.
A made me scrambled eggs this morning that were heavenly.  The problem is getting them down. It isn't hard to chew--but when you get to the actual swallowing part, thats where things get dicey.  It's hard getting used to the feeling of crap constantly in your throat and sometimes food feels like it gets stuck. Talking last night and eating some naan was probably a mistake for that reason. I'm going to try mashed potatoes tonight, but that might not work...generally my pain has increased to a 3 constantly to a 1 constantly, but a 6-7 when swallowing.  The other weird thing is it feels like when I swallow, stuff isn't actually going down! I'm left with half of it still in my mouth, so on top of everything else I have to relearn to swallow.  


More later--battery is dying.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Surgery Update--days 1 and 2

I seriously freaked out about this surgery for nothing.  See, when I had sinus surgery two years ago I had a nurse that was ready to kick me out as soon as I came out from under the general anesthetic.  The thing was, I was in horrible pain, still really confused, incredibly nauseous, and they had given me percoset for the pain after I got out of the OR.  It wasn't a happy combination and the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth.  That said, this surgery has been a relative walk in the park in comparison.
I woke up with a sore throat, and stuff in my chest. I couldn't see well enough, or talk to find a nurse, so I just started waving my hand in the air--that did the job!  I coughed up some mucus (so gross) but that relieved the weezey feeling in my chest, and then I passed out again while listening to the little girl next to me watch Dora.  I couldn't focus my eyes and the nurse explained to me that was because of the general anesthetic wearing off.

The nurses were fantastic, kind and I got to talk to everyone before hand. I had my own personal nurse after I came to, and both my husband and my friend were allowed to sit with me, in my own quiet room. The nurse talked to me, explained to me what was going on etc. I remember asking her if her 'job was to talk to stoned people all day,' to which she laughed and said it was.  I also commented, after I stood up at how short she was, which I slightly regret, but I was under the impression that she was my height, not a good 8 inches shorter. I was stoned, and surprised.   I don't really remember the ride home, so maybe I slept then. Actually now that I think about it, all I remember is some traffic, and arriving home.  Bringing a pillow was an excellent idea.
Only one thing happened that annoyed me through this entire experience.  They wouldn't, weren't allowed actually to give me a small shot of lidocaine in my hand before inserting the IV.  They claimed I could wait until I got into the OR, and have them do it (which I will do next time!!), or suck it up and let them do it.  IF I were hydrated, it wouldn't have been too bad, but I have crappy veins on the best of days, and it was pretty damn painful. When she took it out though, it was the TAPE that hurt more than anything else. Other than that, I have no complaints.
My friend, MJ has her tonsils out at the same place, by the same doctor and said she was miserable about them trying to get her to eat a popsicle before she was allowed to go home.  I wanted that popsicle like I was dying in the desert and it was the only water for miles. After I started to eat it though, I remember that I HATE the sickeningly sweet taste of popsicles and asked for apple juice instead.  Has anyone else noticed that hospitals have the best ice EVER? It is easy to chew, melts quickly and tastes good.  We have crushed ice here, but it tastes a little dirty, even with a clean filter. It is really annoying.  Apple juice with hospital ice is the best tasting substance in the world.
The first day all I had was jello, and I was eating it every time I woke up (every 90 minute or less) to drink through the night.  I went through, I believe 4 IV bags, and a ton of water before I had to go to the bathroom and then all of the sudden I had to pee every 10 minutes.  I have some happy kidneys!  The jello boosted my fluid intake, and helped a lot.  The wetter I keep my throat,  the easier it is to swallow, even when my meds have worn off.
Today I started sucking on candy (like Werther's toffees) and ate some lipton's soup with noodles. That was delicious!  My throat seems to like warm and cold. I have some frozen peas pressed up against my neck, but I'm not sure they are doing anything except helping make my neck less sore.  I am having gatorade watered down, apple juice with ice and water.  I'd rather suck on ice than drink water though.
I can 'talk,' but it does sort of hurt. It would hurt a lot if I were to try right now while the medicine is pretty much worn off (7 minutes till my next dose).
I made a mistake this morning of going downstairs since I was nice and drugged up.  I somehow got the hiccups on my way down though and choked on water attempting to get rid of them.
Other than that...I'm good!  Let see if the pain gets a lot worse in the next couple of days. I don't have ear pain yet, but apparently that is next.
I blame all bad grammar on my drugged state, and not my inability to proofread my own work!

Monday, December 20, 2010

depression

Right now I am sitting on my new ikea couch with my kitty on my shoulder. He apparently loves this position since the couch behind him supports him, but he is still close to me.  My cat has always loved sleeping across my ample chest and would get annoyed that he couldn't sleep across my husband's without slipping down. I think that he likes feeling me breathe actually. Having him with me makes me feel so warm and cuddly.  
Its been a hard road this last week to find warm and cuddly.  For the first time in three years I tried to go off of my medicine and see if I could cope. I couldn't. I was okay for about a week but a bit grouchy and irritable and for some reason really judgemental of my husband.  Last night it came to a boiling point. I was just so incredibly miserable and after my husband and I got into it just one time too many, he asked me to get my medicine.  
Today, while I was exhausted this morning as a side effect from the meds, I felt so much better. I don't feel like everything is magnetized 1 million fold in an attempt to drive me crazy, I slept well last night instead of waking up constantly, and I don't feel super anxious about my impending surgery. 
Surgery in two days...jello and pudding have been bought!  I hope to blog daily about my recovery.  
Yesterday was a rough day overall though.  I had a great time in the morning visiting my cousins but when we went to our house to finish packing up, after I discovered how much fun spackelling is, I slid down the hill and fell. On...my..back. Yeah, that back with the herniated discs that I go to the gym/chiro for? Fell all of my weight on it, feet just slipped out from under me and down I went. My new boots had nooooo traction in the snow at all apparently.  I just started crying, afraid of any potential damage.  I'm sore today, but surviving.  My friend and I made carrot juice out of ten pounds of carrots, and I was ok to stand through that.  
more later...it is hard to type with a Newton on me.

Monday, December 13, 2010

moving, snowing and surgery oh my!

We are moved! Sorry I haven't updated lately, I was having internet issues and then I just got lazy. It seems like there are always a million things to do, and a million things that don't get done.  It is a little exhausting to keep up with.  My new house is awesome, and I really do love it.  I really miss WV though.
Last week I found out that I am going to have my tonsils taken out. I figured that would be the outcome to my long awaited ENT appointment, but that didn't make the idea of having surgery any less daunting.  I came home from the appointment and just cried and cried. I miss everything from not having planes flying over head, to no traffic to my cousins, to having a garage.  I miss all my kids, my friends and generally, my life.  It feels like I'm on vacation here, and I'm not sure where to go.  I have decided to just prepare and get through this surgery and then start figuring out what to do after that.  I have made a list of foods that I can have, what I'll need and found people to sit with me.
More later...time to sleep!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Changes...

Have you ever realized how much you love something right before it is taken away?  For example, right before you go to get your hair cut, you start wondering if you really should get it cut. Something similiar is happening to me, and I am feeling pretty guilty.  Over the last month I have become much closer to a neighbor of mine. I feel awful that this person has lived so close to me for the last year and because I wasn't comfortable walking over and knocking on her door, we didn't really hang out until now.  While I have quite a few friends that I have become much closer to over facebook and IM, I don't have many really close female friends and I hate leaving any of them.
So...these are my resolutions--a toast of sorts to a hopefully much fuller future.
This is to stepping out of the box.  This is to expanding those circles of friendship. This is to spending enough time around people to make informed decisions.  May we all be blerssed with amazing friends, and learn to love more and judge less.

The changes continue:
The house is pretty much completely packed, and we are the proud new owners of a Honda CRV and have a new house.  It's been a big week, and with the moving truck coming in 2 days, it doesn't look like it will get less hectic.  Tomorrow is my absolute last day with the girl I watch. It is going to kill a piece of me to leave her.  I can't be a nanny anymore. I love them too much.  It is officially time to have my own.  Hopefully it happens soon.  I am as ready as I will ever be!

How do you prevent yourself from feeling that guilt of not having done enough and lost opportunities?  Do you take a c'est la vie attitude towards life, or lay in bed at night and wonder 'what if?'

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

coming along!

The packing is coming along. I'm optimistic that we will get it all done before Saturday.  I had been pretty evasive about an actual date that I am going to Maryland full time, but since my tonsils have forced me to get an appointment with an ENT out there, I will be going out on Tuesday.  We have people on both ends to help load the truck and it seems like everything is coming together!

I'm optimistic about this ENT appointment, as this is the guy that took out my friend's tonsils. I really don't see any way that they won't look at the disgusting things, make a cross with their fingers and immediately call to schedule an OR.  Yeah, they are that bad, and pretty much constantly hurt.

If I stop eating junk I will be close to my weight loss goal for this month (which, losing 5lbs last month instead of 11 I totally missed).  I know that if I did more cardio that I would be hitting goals left and right, but along with not doing enough cardio, I do a lot of weight training which develops muscles, which weigh more than fat.  I am eating a lot less than I used to, I know that. I am more aware of what I am eating, when and how much. Right now I am eating junk.  Not a lot of it at a time, but junk devoid of most nutritional value unfortunately.  I can't wait to be settled into the new house.  While I don't want to fall into the trap of talking about what I'll do in the future constantly, being settled and less stressed will be wonderful!

I have been working on finding new doctors in MD, and am so far super encouraged by how easy it was to find an appointment with an ENT.

I have been doing a lot of A loving lately. I feel...okay, I know that I can be a bossy pain in the butt occasionally, and I want to let him hear and see that I love him and that I am striving to be a better person, daily.  I really have struggled during the last 3 years we've been together to break old, and learn new habits.  Habits that aren't about  stress and drama, but love, caring and patience.

Hugs to all...I hope that I can continue to update, but my internet availability is really limited since I don't have it at my house, and shouldn't be farting around all night with my neighbors...although it is super fun.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Welcome to the family

My husband I at our dorkiest!

This is O Henry.  He is a love bug but complains frequently, and loudly.  He is also afraid of his own shadow! Visitors to our house rarely meet him, but he sleeps on my feet most nights. 

Newton (or Noootin as my cousin spells it) is my WV kitten.  We adopted him the day after we moved to WV. He is a very curious boy who loves EVERYONE that pets him, but me especially! This is his first move and he is actually enjoying getting into all of the boxes and dresser drawers

Yeah, this is my husband. He'd rather play with his veggies than eat them!

This is A with his baby Kit Kat. Kit was the most amazing cat you'd ever meet, and had a purr for everyone.  He sadly passed away last summer leaving a kit sized hole in our hearts.  

Who are your family members?

It is...

snowing. Oh my goodness, it is actually snowing.  Yes, it looks like little pebbles, but it is cold enough that it is sticking.  I'm not amused since we are moving next weekend. I'm praying that the mountains aren't too bad and that my hubby will make it over them safely.

What are you doing today?

Friday, November 26, 2010

An international turkey :)

About a week (maybe less) before turkey day, my family friend, M, asked if we would like to come over and share an informal thanksgiving with her and her kids since her husband would be out of town.  I jumped at the idea having no prior plans, and not even knowing if A would be home.  I offered some food that I had in my freezer and she happily accepted, and then emailed me a little panicked because she had invited another family and the count was up to 10 people.  With 4 people, you can do informal; 10 people take a leeetle more planning.  I bought a 14lb turkey, made a couple of pies and corn bread and she made all of the sides. Our other friend brought cheese and crackers and salad.  It was fantastic.
My friend SM and her family are devout Muslims and her kids have food allergies. As someoane who followed Islamic diatary laws for years, which at one point prevented my from eating my mother's pie after I discovered there was lard in the crust; I desperately wanted a dinner that everyone could eat.  I wanted a dinner, where no child would be prevented from tasting something because it had nuts, or eggs in it.  I rolled out my dough myself, and helped create that dinner.  No, sadly my dough didn't taste as good as it would have with lard, and other crap ingrediants, but since it was only my second homemade dough, I'll give myself some time to find the perfect recipe.  I oddly enough have NO problem rolling out the dough (probably b/c of all those tortilla's I decided to hand-make when we were saving money and I had 10lbs of flour), but rather making it taste like store bought crusts.
I was a great and diverse crowd, and had plenty of hilarious moments, such as A deciding that my friend M's kids needed to experience redi-whip sprayed directly into their mouths.  The 2 yr old was excited, but scared to close her mouth, so she sat there is shock for a minute before spitting it into A's hand with all of us laughing.  The 5 kids had a great time playing together and running off all of the sugar, turkey and energy.  I enjoyed sitting at the grown up table and having very few responsibilities.  I finally felt...like an adult.
It was fitting that we have a diverse Thanksgiving, as we are a diverse group of people.  My friend M is a professed atheist, as is my husband.  I am religiously confused and my friend SM and her family are Muslim.  We all became friends during my time in WV.  M and I found out that we are related through marriage, and her kids and me share a cousin (very cool to find out!), and she was friends with SM through her kids school. I met SM independently at the local mosque where she was leading a discussion group and really liked her, and then realized she was friends with M.  I am really going to miss the small town feeling here!
It was really fun to show a family that never celebrated Thanksgiving before (SM is Canadian) and show her the traditions.  She was blown away by all the variety of food, but really enjoyed it! Her kids loved it too and cleaned their plates.

Aaron and I spent the morning sleeping, and then looking through some stores together.  While I didn't get my 20% off at Bed Bath and Beyond by getting there before 10am, I did get A his big Christmas present, which I got his approval for first. Yeah, I'm bad with surprise presents, although our anniversary present of a new really nice pillow and down comforter surprised him.  We ate, and went to see Tangled--very funny movie.

What did you do this thanksgiving? Did you make any new traditions, or stick with the old?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

On this Thanksgiving

This is a beautiful poem that my brother wrote. Please share--but give him credit.  Thank you.




On this Thanksgiving... 


 Most people seem to forget that the politicians they voted for are the ones in charge of the military, the ones who give us our orders. The ones who sent us to Vietnam, to Iraq, to Afganistan, and a hundred other places far from our homes, for causes and reasons valiant or futile or simply bureaucratic. 
But they didn't have to go, and you didnt either. We did. And we did it, not because we wanted to, but because that was one of the freedoms we willingly gave up...for you. 
 We were the ones who saw our fellow soldiers, our brothers and sisters in the service, killed before our disbelieving eyes...not you. 
We were the ones who had their minds and souls scarred forever by what we experienced...not you. 
We were the ones mutilated by terrible devices that shouldnt exist in a supposedly sane and civilized world...not you.
 And what of when we got home, after so long? 
Yes, we may find love, and warmth, and comfort. By all rights we should. We've earned it for our service.
But sometimes, too often...we don't. 
We find people who moved on, who couldnt care enough to find the strength to wait and share even a tiny part of our suffering. 
 We find loved ones who turn their backs on us, because we come back changed, and they don't feel that we're worth enough to help us through our pain, our darkness, our struggle, to heal from wounds inflicted not only on our bodies, but on our minds, and on our hearts.
We find people...no, not people, monsters who pervert a freedom they have never understood nor truly appriciated in order to justify continuing their dispicable agendas of hatred and ignorence against us.
 Yet we still go on.
Because our will and our courage is far too much. We are soldiers, after all, not cowards. 
Because we can truly understand what it is we defend, and we deny those who don't, or can't.
Some of us stumble, some may even fall, but we will never leave a brother or sister behind.
 So, to those who pledge their support to us and give it with even the smallest kindness, 
to those who would help us with all their strength and love back into the light,
to those who would stand up for us and those we love,
We thank you, with all of our being, for your understanding, your nobility, your honor.
We do this for you, and you alone.

Even in death, we can not fail you, for you are the reason we exist.

 -Shawn Denny, 11-25-2010     

Monday, November 22, 2010

Shopping Queen!

Wow I did a lot today, and I felt great while doing it!  I had an excellent workout this morning with my trainer E. after were were done doing our circuit, we headed to the floor to do abs and stretching.  I asked if  I could do more crunches/curl ups, so after doing a couple hundred of those I hit the elliptical for a half hour. I sweated up a storm and my feet didn't go numb like they typically do after long periods of time. Before I hit the cardio machine E and  I had a conversation about our motivations in getting fit. I told him that I didn't want to work out thinking that I could be skinny and have a perfect body, but rather because I really do desire to be healthy. I really do just want to have a healthy body, and a healthy baby.  I know that I will NEVER look like a catalog model and I'm ok with that.  My body was, frankly made for having kids. I'm German--come on!  Us good German girls are NOT waifs.  A healthy weight for me is around 180, and I'm 273 as of this morning.  I finally started dropping weight again so I'm excited.
Thanksgiving is looking more exciting as a scored an invite from my aunt for A and myself.  We are in charge of the turkey, stuffing and an apple pie.  I can't wait!  I'm going to make the crust from scratch, for the second time.  I am going to use butter this time instead of crisco.  I only used crisco because I wanted to use it up last time. I generally have a rule against that crap; at least butter comes from a natural source.
This evening my friend M and I went shopping.  Lots of shopping! I had to return some towels because I got them for half the price at a different store.  I think we went to EVERY store in Star City.  I got this awesome bubbler cat water dish, and a catnip ball for the kitties.  Anyways...lots of fun, and since I saved so much on other stuff, in the end I used mostly that money and birthday money.
Overall...excellent day :)
What did you do today? What are you doing to prepare for Thanksgiving? Do you Black Friday shop? I totally avoid the crowds if possible--it totally isn't worth it.

Peace:)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Thankfulness

I would just like to say, in case you haven’t heard me complain incessantly about it already, I hate moving!  I don’t hate the idea, or the adventures after we move to a new place, but I really hate the mechanics of it; the packing, the actual movement of my belongings, the feeling of being in-between places and being unsettled and then the dreaded unpacking.  Some people look at unpacking with delight, seeing a new place to put up decorations and re-organize, while I see it as a personal upheaval.  It takes me forever to figure out where I want stuff to go, especially in my kitchen, and I constantly move it around.  Ironically, I think I have hung and put my clothing away the exact same way since I was 10. However, I am looking forward to decorating this house having taken pictures of the superb decorating of the previous owners.

We are moving into a large and beautiful townhouse, while I'm generally am not an advocate for moving into a townhouse; after looking at other houses in the area, and feeling more and more frustrated and stressed I decided that we would go with the house that I liked the most, which just happened to be a townhome.  It is also...huge.  Way more space than we need, and I hope to always be able to offer friends places to stay, and have someone move in with us to offer their company and friendship. Also...living almost next door to a mall is going to have its perks.   

The house is somewhat packed. We didn’t unpack most of our books when we moved here, since we never got around to buy the perquisite book cases for turning our extra room into a library so they simply got moved into the guest room closet, still boxed.  Those were moved downstairs right before my birthday party on Sunday.  Oh yeah, I had 20 people in my house, which was a disaster, half packed and I didn’t care.  Why? I was too busy being surrounded by people that loved me and didn’t give a damn.  It was pretty awesome. All the kids that came also seemed to have a 'buddy' in their age group so no one was bored.  I think the dynamic worked quite well. 

The not so awesome bit came at 2:48am when I received a call from my husband telling me that he wasn't injured, but had been in a car accident.  Instead of the adrenaline pumping reaction I would expect from me, I calmly got myself together, fed the cats (not knowing when I would return), made sure I had warm clothing, and drove to where he was which about an hour away.  Considering my constantly fear of losing my husband, I think I reacted and behaved admirably when I saw that the front of his car had been basically sheared off on a wall, and the back had been crushed when the car spun and hit another wall.  Miraculously he wasn’t injured…at all.  He has a small bruise on his chest that hurts ‘if he pushes on it.’ His car however was totaled, but in the long run...who cares, it can be replaced.  Fortunately we are well insured, and were able to put those payments over the last 10 years to good use immediately by getting it towed to where he is staying in MD, and getting a rental.  In the mean time I had driven him back to his house in MD so that he could take a shower, get ready for work and pick up a rental car.  I was supposed to be sleeping but decided to hit the road and head back to WV.  It was a long day. 

But…I am thankful. I am thankful that we are moving because my husband found a good paying job, in an area that despite my bitching about MD is a good area.  I am thankful for my friend that helped me pack, and my other friends constant support and love. I am thankful that we have the money to move into a beautiful house. I am thankful most of all though that my husband wasn’t injured, and will hopefully be around for many more years.  I cannot imagine, do not want to imagine, and hopefully will not, for many years have to face the reality that he isn’t here any longer. 

Next weekend we celebrate our third anniversary. As clich├ęd as it sounds--time really has flown by. I wish I could slow it down and relive all of the wonderful moments, and sorta fast forward through my bitchier moments.   I have lived a tumultuous life full of ups and downs, but these last three years have been the happiest of all of them.  I don’t know what force in the universe brought us together—but thank you.  Hey sweetie--I love you :)
What are you thankful for?

Leaving My Lily


When I met you, you hadn’t been walking very long.  You didn’t talk, or really have opinions and didn’t have much hair.  You were damn cute though!  You couldn’t reach the railing on the stairs, and went down on your butt.  You too two naps, and most of your food was pureed.  Kiddo–we’ve come a long way.
Now you run, jump, skip, hop and dance like a mad woman.  You like ‘Dor’ (Dora) and ‘Sesama!’ (Sesame).  You can speak in complete sentences, even if you still can’t pronouce all your letters correctly.  All colors are blue or yellow (no matter what color they really are).  We have an elaborate nap time ritual that includes, monkey, pacifier, silky blanket, various other blankets, a sound machine and your favorite songs.  I love doing it all, but I have to admit that it is easier when you just fall asleep in the car.
You are so smart!  You realized that we couldn’t understand you, so you decided that talking was in your best interest.  What we didn’t realize is that you would start with sentences!  You know where we go in the car, and point things out to me.  You are best friends with my cousin which has allowed me to spend more time with her family getting to know them.  You know where your dad works, where we go to class, where the sheep play, Newton (my cat) lives, and exactly where all the cows reside between my house and yours.  You demand your music by name, and love bopping along.
You give the best snuggles in the world, and make me smile every day.  Babe, I’m going to miss you more than words can discribe.  I will keep in touch, especially because you are going to be the best big sister in the world! I know that it will never be the same, but I won’t forget all of the fun times we have had together.  Thank you for being my ‘Lil Bean.

Transferring Back

I was posting at leaniepi.com/blog for awhile, but I decided to come back here and try to get followers that DON'T have to register to comment.  There is a lot going on in my life, and I hope that I can get comments and feedback from friends.
Thanks!!