Thursday, March 21, 2013

Confessions of an angry fat woman, what no one told me about weight loss

I've been thinking up this title for awhile.  I started this blog to talk about my weight loss journey, and despite my posts about book reviews and recipes, the core of this blog has remained the same; it's a blog about health, fitness, and my journey to finding them.

People aren't comfortable talking about being fat it seems, unless they were there, and are actively working towards not being obese any longer.  Lately, I've had the honor of having some really frank conversations about what it's like to be fat, lose weight, and both the psychological toll it takes, along with the things that no one really told us about losing weight. I'll own all of these, but some of of them are also taken from discussions with friends.  And before people start commenting about it, here is my take on my use of the word 'hate.' Being angry, hating something isn't wrong.  Mourning that loss of understanding of who I was, is never wrong.  But I have to get over the mourning, get past the anger, and get to acceptance and moving on.  

  • I hate when people say how nice I look since it makes me think they lied  to me when I was fatter. 
  • I hate feeling like I'm being lied to. 
  • I absolutely hate being told how beautiful I'll look when I hit my 'goal' weight. 
  • I hate when people ask how I lost the weight. Taking drugs makes me feel like I cheated to do it. In my case, I took phentermine to help start my weight loss, and the last 40lbs have been been I started taking Vyvanse for my ADD.  Appetite suppression is one of the side effects, as is increased energy.  This is why I need to work on fitness, and getting those healthy lifestyle changes in place for when I don't have the medicine to help me.  
  • I worry about how I see myself, and how pretty I feel now, and how I probably got fat to keep potential myself from getting hurt.  
  • I'm scared of getting attention from people I don't know, and I really hate getting unwanted attention from men I don't know.
  • I'm the same damn person. How dare people treat me differently now. 
  • I hate that skinny people watch Biggest Loser and talk about how pretty they are when they are 'normal' sized.  I'm fat, but, I'm still 'normal.'  I almost feel like Biggest Loser watching should be restricted to overweight people, because I'm pretty sure skinny people aren't learning empathy watching it, but rather enforcing the mindset that you can lose this weight really fast, if you just tried hard enough. 
  • I hate fitting into someone else's view of beautiful and what that means, and I hate that I want to be that person. I hate that there is a part of me that doesn't care about the healthy aspect of this, I just want to be hot and skinny. 
  • I hate how scared I am about losing weight, and how my body is changing.  
  • I hate being constantly scared of gaining the weight back.  
  • I'm pissed when skinny people assume that I have a shitty self esteem because I'm fat, and treat me patronizingly, telling me to 'love myself.' Thanks, I don't need your brand of therapy.  
  • And...I hate that I let myself ever get to the point where I was at, where I let fear, self doubt, depression and pain lead myself, and I forgot to let health and fitness take the lead.  

I've said this before, and I'll say it again; losing weight is a psychological battle, as much as a physical one.  You can lose the weight, but if you don't deal with the reasons you gained it, you'll gain the weight back.  Every single day, we have to choose what we eat, how we move, and what we do. Every day we're given a chance, and simultaneously have one taken away from us that we can never get back.  We have to constantly motivate ourselves, to change our lifestyles, to change our habits, to change our mindset, and to change our hearts. 

4 comments:

  1. I can sympathize. Though I am not currently on a weight loss/ healthy lifestyle journey (as I have more pressing matters to attend to) I have lost all of my weight before. This of course was 2 babies ago.

    The thing that pisses me off the most, is I have always thought of myself as fat. Even fresh out of boot camp and in size 7 clothing I thought I was fat.

    I look at old pictures and they infuriate me....to think! I could have been enjoying life more and worrying about weight less.

    Oddly, now that I am at my heaviest, I have more self confidence now more than ever. My self esteem sucks, but it's better than it's ever been...if that makes sense.

    I agree with your statement of the battle being psychological...sometimes even more so than physical in my opinion.

    You are doing good, and I can see a difference in your pictures. More "full body" pictures and less headshots. That's how I can tell someone is more comfortable in their skin. When they are willing to let the world see them.

    And I'll be honest. When I found out a family member of mine lost 70 pounds due to her ADHD meds, I was quite butthurt. I felt like she cheated. Well, she kinda did because she lied about the ADHD to get the pills but that's besides the point. Instead of being envious, I should be happy for those that manage to get healthy. Regardless of how they get there.

    Quit hating so many things and be happy that your life is headed in a good direction :)

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    1. Thanks for the comment!

      Yeah...you're right about the pictures. I think we probably like to take only head pictures if we can...the camera adds 100lbs, right? Oh wait...that's just us.

      As far as the ADD meds--I really DO have ADD. The weight loss side effect was a happy happenstance. The fact that I can focus, am not tired constantly, and can remember things now--totally an awesome result of taking ADD meds for the first time in my life.

      As far as the hating...I think I needed to get some hate and anger out--it's cathartic :)

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  2. I think it's really about people learning how to accept all things about people. I don't see weight discrimination alone - I see it as an inability to accept people on a variety of levels. I have personal experience with knowing what the appropriate behavior should be and having my body react contrary to what I know. Like learning how to go from a mostly white city in RI to college in Washington D.C. I had to learn how to train my body to fall in line with my knowledge. It takes alot of work to learn to train yourself to reign in implusive reactions that aren't socially acceptable. I understand that the result of these individuals behavior hurts you - and that saddens me. But I also believe it is a symptom of a large need to learn how to accept others and learn to control thoughts and behaviors.

    I am also pretty frequently trying to balance your need to express yourself and manage your feelings, and how it makes me feel to be consequently put in the bucket of "skinny people" as all skinny people think or act the same way. I generally don't think you are referring to me, but I do notice it and it does make me feel bad momentarily.

    I want you to feel free to express yourself and I value your need to do that over my need to not feel badly. But in the same way that I would want you to mention something to me if I were to say something to you that would bother you, I'm mentioning it just to bring it to your attention. I hope that is ok. I know you are just getting things out that have been bothering you.

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  3. I totally agree- it's mostly in our head. It really sucks. I always hate when I look in the mirror at home and think I look really good and then I go out into the world and see myself out there, I look NOTHING like I thought I did. So it's always this self doubt popping into my head. It's horrible.

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