People aren't comfortable talking about being fat it seems, unless they were there, and are actively working towards not being obese any longer. Lately, I've had the honor of having some really frank conversations about what it's like to be fat, lose weight, and both the psychological toll it takes, along with the things that no one really told us about losing weight. I'll own all of these, but some of of them are also taken from discussions with friends. And before people start commenting about it, here is my take on my use of the word 'hate.' Being angry, hating something isn't wrong. Mourning that loss of understanding of who I was, is never wrong. But I have to get over the mourning, get past the anger, and get to acceptance and moving on.
- I hate when people say how nice I look since it makes me think they lied to me when I was fatter.
- I hate feeling like I'm being lied to.
- I absolutely hate being told how beautiful I'll look when I hit my 'goal' weight.
- I hate when people ask how I lost the weight. Taking drugs makes me feel like I cheated to do it. In my case, I took phentermine to help start my weight loss, and the last 40lbs have been been I started taking Vyvanse for my ADD. Appetite suppression is one of the side effects, as is increased energy. This is why I need to work on fitness, and getting those healthy lifestyle changes in place for when I don't have the medicine to help me.
- I worry about how I see myself, and how pretty I feel now, and how I probably got fat to keep potential myself from getting hurt.
- I'm scared of getting attention from people I don't know, and I really hate getting unwanted attention from men I don't know.
- I'm the same damn person. How dare people treat me differently now.
- I hate that skinny people watch Biggest Loser and talk about how pretty they are when they are 'normal' sized. I'm fat, but, I'm still 'normal.' I almost feel like Biggest Loser watching should be restricted to overweight people, because I'm pretty sure skinny people aren't learning empathy watching it, but rather enforcing the mindset that you can lose this weight really fast, if you just tried hard enough.
- I hate fitting into someone else's view of beautiful and what that means, and I hate that I want to be that person. I hate that there is a part of me that doesn't care about the healthy aspect of this, I just want to be hot and skinny.
- I hate how scared I am about losing weight, and how my body is changing.
- I hate being constantly scared of gaining the weight back.
- I'm pissed when skinny people assume that I have a shitty self esteem because I'm fat, and treat me patronizingly, telling me to 'love myself.' Thanks, I don't need your brand of therapy.
- And...I hate that I let myself ever get to the point where I was at, where I let fear, self doubt, depression and pain lead myself, and I forgot to let health and fitness take the lead.
I've said this before, and I'll say it again; losing weight is a psychological battle, as much as a physical one. You can lose the weight, but if you don't deal with the reasons you gained it, you'll gain the weight back. Every single day, we have to choose what we eat, how we move, and what we do. Every day we're given a chance, and simultaneously have one taken away from us that we can never get back. We have to constantly motivate ourselves, to change our lifestyles, to change our habits, to change our mindset, and to change our hearts.