Tuesday, January 29, 2013

An open letter to my mom

Have you ever come up with this amazing idea, right before you fall asleep, and then forget it? I do that all of the time, especially with blog ideas, but last night right before I fell asleep last night, say to myself, "God, wake me up early tomorrow morning so I can write this," and at 4:59am, unassisted I woke up. The unassisted wake up is a miracle in it's own, because I hate mornings.  The only thing is, God apparently lives in another time zone, because I did NOT intend to get up this early, but I'm awake, and felt really compelled to write this.

My mom is an amazing lady, and I don't think she's give enough credit for what she's been through to get where she is in her self journey of life. We judge people on the surface, and forget about the journeys and the scars and experiences that bring us to this place in time.  If being an adult has taught me anything, it's that adults are just as confused, lost and seeking what they 'want to do when they grow up' that kids are, only they suddenly have a lot less time to do it in. I just want to let my mom know she's appreciated, and thought of, and loved. Even when I forget to call her, she's loved.

Dear Mom, 
I know our relationship has been tumultuous at times, but also know, that I love you more than words can express. I'm sorry for all of the times that I don't call, and I do promise that I'm not ignoring you on purpose, I just suck at calling people back.  I think about you all of the time, and have this childish hope that if I don't hear bad news that you're doing well.  I love calling you to update you on my life, and projects, and the silly stuff my cat is doing.  

Since I probably haven't said this enough, thank you.  Thank you for starting with nothing, and clawing your way through the mess that is life, mental illness, addiction and motherhood.  Thank you for putting your kids and husband above ego, illness and alcoholism, and choosing us.  Have I ever thanked you for that before? Thank you!  Thank you for caring. Thank you for always wanting to learn, and improve yourself and instilling a love of learning and self improvement in your children.  Thank you for teaching us to care, and love and hope.  We aren't perfect, not a damn one of us.  It's okay that you aren't perfect--just constantly working to become better.

Please know that you are loved. When the voices of depression and self doubt start their whispering in your ears, quash them with the knowledge that you are such an amazing and worthy person. No one taught you how to be a mother, but like grandma said, she's never seen someone work so hard to change themselves.

Thank you for instilling in me irrefutable goals and desires.  You always told me that I was going to college. There wasn't a choice, or room for failure in that statement.  You always told me that I would have better than you had, and I did.  You gave me the most amazing step-father, whom I call dad, that anyone could ever ask for.  You always taught me to marry a man who loved, valued and treated me well.  I married a man whose goal in life is to make me happy (and you think he walks on water...he's pretty awesome!).  You taught me to love crafts, baking, the outdoors, and how how to never try to birdwatch and drive at the same time!  I see you every time I look in the mirror, and am constantly reminded how beautiful you are.  

I know depression can be a black hole.  It's the pit of despair, a hopeless vacuum, where you're left wondering when the storm will pass and you can see light again.  I know how incredibly difficult it is, and how it seems to never end for you, but I know you can make it out.  I know that you can push through it, and keep a glimmer of hope, enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that you won't give up, and I'm proud of you.   

Mom, you've been through so much. You've done so much, seen so much, given so much, learned and taught, so much.  Thank you for everything that you've done, seen, given, and taught me.  I am who I am because of you, and because you chose us.   I love you.  


Have you told the person you love that you love them lately?  I opened my Facebook page and came across this youtube this morning that I want to share.  It's the famous singer Andy Grammer, singing with wife.  It's a beautiful song based on a Baha'i quote, "Where there is love there is always time," and it's been running through my head as a I wrote this.


  1. AWWW, that's wonderful! What a beautiful letter.

  2. I loved this. I called your mom and read it to her and she was touched as well. I love to read what you write so keep up the good work.
    Your letter had both your mom and me crying. I believe it meant a lot to her. I can only hope my boys feel the same way as you do about your mom.
    Keep writing. You are very eloquent when you write and always have something to say that has a lot of meaning to a lot of people.


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