Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Summertime musings

Maybe it's the heat stifling any creative thinking I might have lately. It's been really really hot here, with temperatures feeling like 115 degrees.  I don't remember any time before in my life where it got this hot.  Our AC has been working overtime. Maybe it is that there are so many new things going on that I'm trying to put them straight in my head.  I was reading another blog yesterday where a woman was musing about writing a book and then saying that she couldn't because in a blog you don't have put your thoughts in order, hence blogging generally is a perfect outlet for me, especially as I attempt to muddle through my thoughts on religion.

I've been suffering from some serious lack of motivation lately.  Overall, I think I'm doing great not taking anti-depressants, better than I would have given myself credit for beforehand. However, I'm pretty sure that a lot of my 'get up and go' got up and went away when I stopped taking the medicine.

After the little bipolar fiasco I talked to lots of friends, and other doctors about the diagnoses and my awful reaction to the medicine.  None of them thought that I had bipolar disorder and most (including my gynecologist) begged me to seek a second opinion.  My gynecological recommended a doctor who my husband and I both like.  The only downside is that he doesn't accept insurance, but luckily we can afford it.
Dr. H (I'll call him) doesn't think that I have bipolar disorder, but we did discuss that I had mood swings and using cognitive therapy to help learn coping mechanisms to deal with them.  Going back to the lack of motivation, and a personal and family history of ADD I was prescribed medicine for that.  It's something I could have been using the last decade but I never really pushed a diagnoses on, since I have mangaged for the most part to develop good coping mechanisms to deal, did I mention I suck at taking medicine?  Lately though, which the lack of motivation and deciding to go back to school, I realized that I might need a little chemical help to concentrate and get my crap together.  I really want to be successful in school, and in the work force, and I feel that my ADD was a HUGE component to my feeling like an utter failure at an office job.

There are lots of different medications for ADD.  The one I was given is a generic of Concerta.  Concerta is a long lasting form of Ritalin.  Since I'm already prone to mood swings, my doctor wanted to give me something that wouldn't just cease working after a couple of hours, like Ritalin does.  I don't have this crazy burst of energy like I did with phentermine but I sadly am getting hit hard with side effects like daily headaches, moodiness and if I don't take the medicine in the morning as soon as I wake up, I am utterly and completely exhausted.  It doesn't really help with my concentration (well maybe it does since I haven't checked facebook once since I started writing this).  I don't think it's the best medicine for me, so at my next appointment--back to the drawing board.

I also went to my general practitioner and he put me on the metformin to help with the PCOS.  My blood sugar levels weren't bad at all when I had my testing done, but we'll see if this medicine helps.  I've fought against taking medicine in the past and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing myself more harm than good. I knew I didn't have bipolar disorder, and I've been leery (read terrified) of taking any medicine that changes how my brain works, but I'm at a point where I have doctors that I trust, and I feel well enough educated in my own health to feel secure that the medicine that is being given to me is appropriate for what is wrong with me.

I bought my school books, but being a college graduate I knew to shop around.  Between Abe books and amazon, I think I got the best deals I could on them.  I am planning on switching one of my classes to a introduction computer programming class, which worries me a little.  This is definitely territory that I have nary tread before.  What if I am a complete loss? Well, my husband won't let my homework suck too much, since he will want to do it and teach me, but still I'm getting that queezy feeling that I had right before I went to college for the first time.  I would like to remind myself that I did wonderfully in college the last time and I'm going to community college this time and no one cares what my grades are.  Okay, self reassured.

Ever since I went to DaySpring last month I've gotten involved in the Baha'i community here. There are so many Baha'i in this area, and I've really enjoyed having all of my Friday's suddenly planned weeks in advance.  The community is one of love, caring, and devotion.  When I left the Catholic Church I wondered if I would ever find that sense of community again.  In the Baha'i faith, there are no church services, but people have devotions in their homes, taco night open to anyone that wants some tacos (I managed to drag my husband to that) and firesides (think evening lectures on topics of interest to the group).  I must admit that I struggle to separate the academic and emotional me when I'm reading prayers.  Where does the 'me studying' the faith end, and the 'me learning to believe and trust in God' start?  I'm not sure. I'm not sure I will ever become Baha'i, but I love the community, and love to learn.

If you haven't hard of the Baha'i faith, feel free to check out a wikipedia link for now. I promise I'll write more later.

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