Guest Blog! Beating the Social Stigma of Borderline Personality Disorder

Welcome to the New Year.  While I'm not one of those people to make a bunch of New Year's resolutions just so I can lose all motivation in February, I am someone who likes to look back, take account of what happened and use this time to look forward.  This next year I really want to concentrate on both the physical and financial health of my family.  I want to continue to learn about myself, my health, and set goals for myself that both challenge me but are motivators in themselves.

I'm really excited to have a guest blogger here today.  +Andrea Brooks  and I went to high school together, and she was more of a friend of my brother's than mine, but we reconnected on Facebook and it's been really amazing to see her journey for health this last year.  She was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which is a disorder that I knew very little about. The first thing I thought about when I read 'personality disorder' was 'multiple personality disorder.' I was very wrong!

Opening up about mental illness, something that society still tends to stigmatize and sweep under the rug, is a very challenging experience. When I was a teenager, battling with crippling depression, I never told anyone about my depression. It wasn't until I got to college that I realized that confronting your illness is the only way to treat it.  

I am so proud of Andrea for being able to have the strength and courage to start a blog and tell people about her experienced with BPD, while doing it in a really easily readable, and funny way. Also, I give her mad props for being on the ball and posting so frequently, which is something we all know that I am currently challenged with. And here is Andrea!
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Most people have no idea what Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) really is. If you've heard of it, chances are you have heard some not-so-nice things about the people who have it.

Well folks, I am one of those people who happen to have BPD. And I am here to talk about why society should NOT be so quick to judge and label people like me.

People with BPD have a very hard time regulating their emotions. When we get mad, we become furious….even over the simplest of things. When we are sad, we get depressed, and at times suicidal. Being happy is a rare occurrence. I am often wary of happiness, because I know it will be short-lived, and the despair will soon be back. Most of the time we feel emptiness, or void of emotion. Not to be associated with being sociopathic. We most definitely feel emotions when we have them. It is really hard to explain how it feels to be “dead” inside. Rest assured that BPD sufferers aren't like this ALL of the time…..just on our bad days. Sadly, bad days can often outnumber good days. This lack of emotion is why a lot of BPD sufferers turn to self-harm or substance abuse. We get so desperate to feel SOMETHING, that even physical pain or an altered state of consciousness is welcomed.

We BPD-ers are often self-loathing individuals. Sure, everyone knows what low self-esteem is, but this is more severe than that. Can you imagine HATING yourself? For no apparent reason? Let me tell you, it sucks. Compliments from others are quickly dismissed. We often seek out abusive relationships without realizing it. In our mind, we don’t deserve happiness. Suffering is what we know best, and is almost welcomed.

How does one develop Borderline Personality Disorder? Most professionals believe that it is from abuse or neglect in childhood. Not necessarily physical or sexual (although that is often the case), but children who grew up in a house where their feelings were not validated often develop BPD. A sad child is told repeatedly “You aren’t sad, you are just being a brat….shut up.” Or when they are upset and need comfort they are turned away instead. Those children are taught that emotions are wrong, and are not shown how to properly deal with them. As we grow older, emotionally we remain children in many ways.

How is BPD treated? Just like every other disorder…..medication and therapy. Sadly, there is no BPD medication, and it can be quite difficult finding the right combination of prescriptions to help combat the BPD. Therapy like Dialectal Behavior Therapy is highly thought of to be beneficial to BPD patients, as it essentially re-teaches individuals how to handle their feelings and to regulate emotions.

Unfortunately, Borderline Personality is very VERY difficult to treat. A lot of mental health professionals do not like to work with BPD patients because of the level of difficulty, and the often defiant behavior we exhibit.

By now, you probably have some curiosity as to the life of someone with BPD. If so, you are welcome to read my blog:

Andy has BPD, The (not so) hidden side of me.

My blog is dedicated to my journey in life with Borderline Personality Disorder and my quest to manage my symptoms and have a better quality of life. I am also married with 4 children, so this undertaking is not just for me. On my bad days I strive to do it for them when I don’t care about myself.

I also like to dispel certain myths about people with BPD. Do we make good parents? Are we horrible spouses? Bad employees? What about being a friend to someone with BPD?

Please stop on by and check it out!

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Thank you Andrea!  Please stop in an read her blog! 

I feel obligated add a disclaimer that neither of us are medical professionals or are trying to diagnose or treat anything. If you feel like some of these symptoms describe issues that you are having, PLEASE talk to a professional as soon as possible.  It is scary how many years people suffer, thinking that they are alone. You aren't! 

Do you have an experience with BPD?  Do you have it? Are you willing to talk about your experiences in trying to get help in the confusing field of mental health? We would love to hear from you.  

Medical Mayhem update

I've been waiting to write this, as I've been waiting for things to actual come to a conclusion.  Sadly, nothing seems to be as clear cut as I wish it could be.  

I'm not wed to the diagnoses of bipolar disorder being my issue.  While I'm not against admitting and facing my issues, the more I research the less I think it is me.  I am currently not taking any medicine and am waiting for an appointment with another psychiatrist.  What is with the good doctors not accepting insurance? I'm praying that we'll be reimbursed by our insurance to somehow offset some of the 300 plus cost of just the intake visit. This doctor comes highly recommended, which means enough to me to shell out the big bucks. So first issue not resolved! While I'm not taking any medicine, my 'moods' haven't been too bad as long as I eat every few hours and never allow myself to get super hungry.  I've been having issues getting motivated to leave the house, I haven't gone too far into a depression.  

I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome), I don't have many of the classic symptoms (thank god!).  These can include hair loss, thinning, excessive facial hair, acne or patches of dark skin.  I do however have irregular periods, fatigue, weight issues and a blood test confirmed.  I was hoping, praying that I would go into the ob-gyn and they would prescribe me the metformin then and there.  No go. Instead, she told me to go to an endocrinologist. Wow, helpful to have drive all the way over here after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment to tell me I need to get an appointment with someone else.  The next appointment that I can get, is in August. I made an appointment with my primary care physician in two weeks hoping they'd start me on the meds before August.

Another treatment for the symptoms of PCOS is birth control pills. I'm sort of mad that I'm now taking birth control pills when, what I want, is to have a baby. Yes, it is counter intuitive! She really wants, however, to see how much of my depression is actually hormonal.  So, she also put me on prenatal vitamins. 

May I go on a short rant about prescription prenatals? I'm pretty sure they are giving me awful headaches.  Plus, I can't find any list of what is in these pills online. WTF--if they were sold over the counter, it would be required to list what, and how much minerals and vitamins were contained.  The only plus--the over the counter ones are a hell of a lot cheaper (with my co-pay) than they would be over the counter.  I'm going to see if the headaches continue, and if they do, switch to another pill.

I have continued with acupuncture and, at least, my back hasn't been bothering me.  Does it work?  I'm STILL not sure!  I feel pretty good, so I'm going to continue it.  I will however determine that no one will EVER be allowed to stick needles in the back of my hands.  It was really painful, to the point that I had to take a needle out after she left the room.  Most times I don't even feel the needles, but this time it hurt like hell on both sides.  The needle in the middle of my forehead didn't hurt, nor did the one on the top of my head, or my feet.  Once again--anyone have acupuncture stories? 

So days have been really bad, but so far this week has been pretty good.  I am struggling with my weight, energy levels and moods but since I started eating every couple of hours, I haven't gotten in a single fight with my husband.  Cheers!  

Tomorrow is our anniversary. While it is really the anniversary of the day we got married, two years ago, we refer to it as the "paper signing day" because we eloped.  It has been an amazing two years and I can't imagine my life (at least not happily) without my hubby.  Thank you my love.  

On 'Paper Signing Day' waiting before the ceremony

A week of medical mayhem

This past week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me.  First my husband and I went to talk to my gynecologist about trying to have a baby.  The news wasn't exactly good.  She thinks I might have poly cystic ovarian syndrome which can make getting pregnant pretty difficult.  While I knew about the disorder I didn't think that I had it because I didn't have a lot of the symptoms that people with it exhibited.   I go back next week for more testing to find out exactly what is going on, but for the mean time our hopes of starting a family have been put on hold.  If that didn't break my heart my doctors appointment today did.

I've written before about my decade long struggle with depression. It is something that is always with me, sometimes feeling like it is going to swallow me whole, but sometimes seemingly to lie dormant under the surface.  The medicine that I have been taking for the last few years wasn't working. I thought that the dose just wasn't correct, so I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist.  If you have never been to a psychiatrist before, there is a lot of paperwork to fill out.  They can't draw blood to determine if you have depression, so they need to make you answer the same question 5 times in 5 different ways to determine where you are coming from.  The first sheet asked, "have you ever at any point..." followed by questions like 'increased talking and rapid speech, been excessively hyper, had difficulty concentrating, get in arguments/fights for no reason....down a list.  I started to get worried as I checked 'yes' for almost every question, except for irresponsibly spending money. I was thinking to myself that this sounds like bipolar disorder, but some of the symptoms had never been brought up and didn't seem as severe as what I thought bipolar disorder was.  Anyways, I was hoping the sheet was just a quick assessment for something like ADD until I looked at the bottom and saw that it was printed by a drug company as a bipolar disorder check list.  I sort of tried to play all of the yes's off by writing that it seemed to generally happen when I drank too much caffeine or took phentermine.  Nah, I'm fine...I just need a refill for a different anti depressant and I'll be fine.
I get in her office and we start talking and she goes through the list and makes me tell her if I've ever felt any of these without chemical assistance. I realize...I have. In fact, I've felt or experienced most of them at some point.  I started to feel my stomach drop as I knew what she was going to say next. I don't have depression.  I'm bipolar.  I am bipolar.  My eyes are starting to tear as I type this, admitting to myself, and the world that I have a disorder that I have attempted to run away from.  I was okay with have depression, hell most people seem to these days. But bipolar? Isn't that this super serious disease? Don't people do insanely stupid things like spend their life's saving and have sex with prostitutes?  Yes, some people do things like that when they are manic, she explained but bipolar isn't about how high your manic episodes are, it is simply that you have them at all.  The analogy she used is that having depression is like walking along and occasionally having the bottom fall out. Being bipolar is not only having the bottom fall, but also having holes in the ceiling.

I apparently don't have manic symptoms but instead a less severe type called hypomanic symptoms. She gave me a paper that listed some. I have some of these, but not all of them....
-You cannot stop talking often fast loud or excited (umm...yeah, that's me people--I talk too much even when a voice in my head is going "STFU!!)
-You are more active than usual, often without a purpose (I generally throw myself into doing some chores when I feel like this or jump up and down a bunch and then crash)
-You need instant gratification, attention and approval (to some extent)
-you are quickly irritable (sometimes for absolutely no reason...again, sorry hubby)
-you quickly show displeasure (sorry if I've done this to you)
-you exaggerate and overdo all behaviors (I don't think I do that...)
-You are more hostile and argumentative when you don't get what you want
-You wear brighter colors than usual (I found this fascinating, and true!)
-You spend more money and give more gifts (also totally true)
-You write more letters, make more phone calls and give more advice
-You travel more
-You don't care so much about the rights and feelings of others
-You enjoy taking more risks

Another thing I learned is that things like my fear of going new places, knocking on my neighbors door to meet them, doing things by myself isn't normal either. I apparently also have social anxiety disorder. I think my social anxiety and crippling, at times, fear of judgement and rejection has offset some of the ruder qualities of the bipolar disorder so basically I'm not a complete asshole to strangers (only the people I love...sorry guys).  I think of the trip that I took to Spain in college and how much I regretted not doing more on my own, and now I understand why I kept putting it off, and why I would rather stay home and stay in places that I had been and was comfortable with.  I understand why, while I suck at routines (apparently having bipolar disorder can make having routines difficult because you never know how you are going to feel at any given time) I need things MY way so that I can feel in control of the situation and not get anxious.

How does it feel to realize that you've been misdiagnosed for the last decade? Pretty shitty actually. The horrible part of it is that I am in the vast majority of people that are diagnosed. Most people go a DECADE before they are diagnosed.  One of the reasons that people aren't diagnosed more is that people don't go to the doctor when the feel good--they go because they are depressed. They don't tell their doctor about the side effects above.  One of the reasons I was so terrified of being diagnosed as bipolar was that the medicine, while better now than it was even a decade ago, is pretty heavy hitting.  Anti psychotics and mood stabilizers have a lot more side effects than Prozac.  My doctor wrote me a prescription for a mood stabilizer, a very low dose.  She wants to see me again in two weeks.  I will try it and see if it helps, or harms. I hate playing the Russian roulette of medicine, but at least I have learned in the last couple of years that I can live without medicine.  I'm also going to find a therapist. I've realized that I have learned quite a few good coping mechanisms, and maybe in time I can learn to live without medication.  Knowing I'm bipolar will also help if, when we do have kids, I have post partum depression.

I don't know completely how I feel about this so far. While a lot of the symptoms describe me, having this label doesn't define me and frankly I thought a lot of those things up there were 'normal' before now.  A couple of weeks ago I was watching glee and someone said "your illness is not who you are supposed to be. It is keeping you from who you are supposed to be."  Depression, bipolar, social anxiety disorder aren't ME.  They are a part of who I am, but knowing more about them is going to be how I can LIVE with them and be who I've always wanted to be.   I have dealt with so much in the last 8 years. I have dealt with so much--successfully and I think, no I know I can deal with this.  I have to wonder how this diagnoses would have helped me as as teenager though, or if having to live through it and learn from my mistakes has made me better equipped to deal with this disease.

Please note: I am not a doctor or a therapist and the opinions and thoughts in this blog are mine.  If you think you have bipolar disorder or any mental illness, please please please get professional help.  

I drove home, stopped by the mail and drove up to my house.  What I saw there both infuriated and scared me to my core.  It was Henry, our strictly inside cat sitting on our front porch, our door open.  Where the hell is my husband? Is he lying inside hurt? My mind immediately flickered to the creepy scam artist that tried to con me into buying magazines yesterday. Did the guy come back? What I did next came as instinct--I didn't even think about it. I pushed down the horn for a good five seconds.  Henry jumped 3 feet in the air, and ran inside, followed closely by my cat, who was hiding behind the neighbors bushes.  My cat has NEVER been outside.  The only time I tried to take him anywhere outside of our porch was a misguided attempt at teaching him to walk on a leash.  He crawled up me and lay in a trembling mass in my arms until I went back in.   I slammed my car into park, grabbed my bag and ran inside yelling for my husband.  Thankfully he was alive, although after I yelled at him, he might have rethought that. He came in, grabbing our recycling bin on the way and somehow forgot to latch the door.  Our cats had been asleep on the couch when he came in, but at some point got up to investigate, and seeing an open door meandered out.  We've been letting them out on the back porch, which is two stories up and they can't get off of, because the weather is nice but after this little 'adventure' I'm rethinking how wise it is to allow their fear of the outdoors to diminish in any way.

Tomorrow is our housewarming party.  I know that even if only a few people turn up, I am in a place of love surrounded with friends and the best husband ever.  I don't think I could ask for anything more than that, although I wouldn't mind some sunshine.