The reason that that show is hard to watch, is the same reason that I started this blog. It resounds so closely to my own battle, and my own constant fear of uncontrolled weight gain. I started this blog after a discussion with my college friend Benita. I had been thinking seriously about getting some sort of bariatric surgery to help me lose weight. At 300 pounds, getting to anything with a 1 in the front of it seemed like an impossible task. This was about the same time I had an aunt that I’m close to (and resemble in body type) have gastric bypass and lose an amazing amount of weight, feeling like she had energy and the ability to live for the first time in a long time. Maybe it was laziness, maybe fear, or maybe damn stubborn persistence that I could lose this weight, that I never went through with the surgery. I'm still not sure, and commend those that were able to make that decision and have lost huge amounts of weight.
I stepped on the scale this morning, after a week at the same weight, expecting that a couple of days of eating too much crap was going to negatively impact the number. To my shock, it was 3 pounds lower. Three pounds isn’t a lot, but it is when I realized that I had lost a total of 50 pounds from my all time high, and that I’m at the lowest weight I’ve been since I lost a ton of weight my last semester of college. Fifty less pounds less hurting my back, fifty less pounds on my knees, fifty less pounds making me self conscious. I would struggle mightily to carry 50 lbs in a backpack all day, but I was okay with having it on my body? That day I went to the doctor and was over 300lbs was a turning point for me. I was so so sick of hurting every day. I haven’t been calorie counting, I haven’t been going to the gym, and I haven’t been making the best choices, but I am making life changing choices. I’ve lost 15lbs since the beginning of the year after joining a fitness challenge I got into on facebook. An old Zumba teacher invited me to join, and I jumped right in. I was doubtful, but hopeful that I would win the challenge prize, but I was okay with just having the motivation to actually do something. Since figured out what was causing my hives, and find a type of physical therapy that actually makes my back NOT hurt for the first time in years, I have wanted nothing more than to do SOMETHING. When I sit, I don’t want to move. When I watch TV, my brain turns off and I get so sleepy. When I get up and move, I want to move more and more and more.
When I went to my gynecologist last February, I was 20 lbs heavier, on antidepressants I thought I’d be forced to take the rest of my life, had never been treated for my ADD, didn’t have regular periods, couldn’t get pregnant, had constant back pain, and was losing hope. A year later I’ve realized that instead of mourning my inability to get pregnant right now, I should enjoy every moment with my amazing husband. I have found a treatment for my back pain, have regular periods without medication thanks to acupuncture and changing my diet, am off of antidepressants which cured most of my weird mood swings, and finally feel…optimistic.
This show touched me because I thought that was my future. If eating healthy was keeping me under 300lbs, what would a steady diet of crappy food do to me? I’m terrified, utterly and wholly terrified of allowing myself to gain so much weight. I’m terrified that if I stop taking my ADD medication, I’ll be too lazy, tired, disorganized and scattered to get anything done and I’ll go back to eating easy convenient food. I combat this battle every day. I combat this future with every trip to the grocery store that has no junky crap, every healthy meal I cook, and every new healthy recipe I make…but it is a battle. Making meal plans is hard, and sticking to them even harder. I get on my husband’s case about what he eats, because I worry for him too.