Consistency, Challenge and Goal

I feel bad for neglecting my blog.  I seem to have developed writers block. I used to be really creative, and have all of these ideas flowing through my mind so fast that I couldn't write them down, but since I stopped taking any depression medicine my brain seems to have slowed down.  I'm not having wild ups and downs, although I have been pretty grouchy the last couple of days. I think that having a cat that keeps puking on my carpet first thing in the morning is contributing to the bad mood more than anything chemical though.  As you will learn in the following blog, sticking with things in the long term is something that I struggle with daily.  I don't want to give up on this blog--I love writing and knowing that people are reading it.

In the last 7 months since we moved, I've been doing yoga, Zumba, and water aerobics in attempts to help me stay fit and lose weight.  None of it really worked.  I would eat more in the lunch after going to water aerobics than I would during the class, and I never felt like it was a particularly difficult work out.  Zumba challenged me, but I didn't do it often enough, and the songs started to get on my nerves, because they would stuck in my head for days on end. Yoga, as I've discussed in the past may have been a contributing factor in my back pain, so I stopped it shortly before my semester was going to end anyways.  I like all of these activities, but I need to do them weekly, not one a week if they are going to make a real difference in my health.

Consistency is and always has been my biggest challenge in life. Consistency from studying daily, practicing a religion, not getting bored and giving up on projects, cooking/making meal plans, working out, and even little stuff like routines of taking a shower every day, brushing my teeth, taking medicine.  Yes, I'm openly admitting that at times I forget to do these things. so feel free to mock my occasionally skuzzy teeth and greasy hair (although I'll probably kick you). It is my struggle. My battle with consistency has a lot to do with my difficulty in losing weight and getting/staying fit.  I start something, be it going to a exercise class, making meal plans, working on my elliptical, doing yoga at home, counting calories and I get bored and give up and in the end...don't lose weight.  I'm really frustrated that I am at the same weight I was my senior year of college before I worked my ass off to lose 40lbs.

It is is this weird catch 22 of sorts, because if I don't highly regiment things, I don't get anything done but if I feel like I have too much stuff to do, I just shut down and can't do anything at all.  I start freaking out and thinking of what I can cancel or move around so that I don't feel overwhelmed. I'm not sure what this means or how I can deal with this anymore than simply working hard to have some accountability to myself and other people.

Last week, I joined a gym at the recommendation of a very nice lady I met.  We are around the same age, and live pretty equally far from the place and she really likes it. This gym includes all fitness classes (yoga, zumba, spinning, aeorbics) and obviously cardio machines with the gym membership. I figure if I use them there as often as I have paid for them elsewhere that it might work itself out in the end.  The other costly thing I did to get me actually into the gym is to get a trainer. I started on Monday, and Tuesday, what was left of my pecs after not working out for 6 months were pretty sore.  I think Zumba has kept my legs in pretty good shape, since they didn't hurt much.  My goal is to continue with the trainer at least 2x/week and get in for at least 2-3 classes on top of that. I'd like to do some private pilates lessons as well to learn about the machines and see how my back feels with them.  Some things work, some don't.

I am well aware of how fortunate I am to have the financial ability to do these things, to buy healthy food and eat the things I want, when I want. I am truly blessed, and I thank my husband every day for giving me this opportunity to stay home, and not have to work.  The least I can do is do something with this opportunity.  My husband made me write a list of goals recently and basically told me that my job was to work towards one of those goals every day.

So while I will struggle every day with making myself learn a new pattern of going to the gym, and doing things differently I need to. Most of us do.  I've already made a lot of positive changes in my lifestyle in the last few years. I'm looking forward to more, and making those changes habits to last a lifetime.

On another note, I managed to get distracted from this post at least 5 times...ADD anyone?

Some side goals where I am just going to talk to myself...
*Get better with meal planning, and snack planning so I don't ever feel like there isn't something I want to eat in the house.
*Keep a list posted on the fridge with snack suggestions of things I actually know I like.  (When I'm hungry I want everything and NOTHING at the same time and have no decision making skills.  Plus, I turn into a demented dragon. It isn't pretty.)
*Figure out what I can do with this crazy sweet tooth.  The popcorn at night seems to be a pretty good snack, but is it the best? I'll post the recipe.
* Make hardboiled eggs to have in the fridge--come on, I've got 4 dozen farm fresh eggs (thanks Andy!) that I need to use.
* Look in the pantry! I've got quinoa that I want to eat, but I'm not sure in what recipe.  I am thinking some shredded chicken, finely chopped celery/carrot, tomatoes, and some herbs and spices might work.  I'm craving the food that Lily's mom used to make.  Read some of your magazines, and start to explore with cooking again instead of being all lazy and tired.
* You aren't 'treating' yourself by eating crap, you are HURTING yourself.
* Your elliptical isn't a lawn ornament parked in your room. Use it. I know it isn't the arc trainer you want but...get over your spoiled self.
* Seriously--send some of those awesome people you met an email before they think you are blowing them off.  Not cool Ms. Procrastination.

Struggle

I have really been struggling since my last post.  I was on a downswing before I went to the doctor and since she took me off of the SSRI's that I would use to get out of depressive states, I can't seem to get out of this funk.
Last week I was prescribed abilify. I could go on a rant about how I detest taking new to market drugs with no generic (only $588 dollars before insurance!), or how the side effects (increase risk of death!) scare me shitless, but really I'm fighting the whole 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it!' aspect of this diagnoses.  I know that typical depression meds work for me. I had been taking them on and off for the last decade, and it was my own negligence of remembering, or wanting to take a pill that probably led to 99% of failure that I may have had with them.  Since I know that I needed something, and I don't really like feeling like an evil witch, on edge and ready to snap at the first person to look at me, I sucked it up and got the abilify.  Abilify...how I flipping hate thee.  How can I say that after one day? I haven't slept...all flipping night.  I like, no love and treasure my sleep.  I do NOT like laying down at 10:30, being awakened around 11 by my husband's snoring, and then falling asleep, waking up, falling asleep waking up, fall....okay you get the picture, for the next 4 hours to just finally give up at 2:30 am and come downstairs to watch Glee.  I love Glee, but I'm just not a fan of 3am.  Hell..I'm not even TIRED anymore.  Let's see what other fantastic side effects that I get from a medicine that I don't think is right for me.

Thank you to everyone that wrote to me, both publicly and privately after my last post.  It still blows my mind when people call me because they read my blog, or the first thing some relative that I don't frequently talk to says is "I read your blog!"  While it is hard, feeling like I frequently have to censor myself, I do truly enjoy writing here.

I go on Tuesday to have lots of blood drawn and have a sonogram to test for PCOS.  If you haven't had one of those lovely procedures done, I'll just let it surprise you down the line. There is nothing like having to drink 30oz of water in an hour and not be allowed to pee!

This past week I have done lots of activities. It has been a struggle to go, but having people there that I know and care about helps a huge deal.  On Monday we tried out water Zumba.  I was disappointed that it wasn't a difficult work out. In fact, my water aerobics with the old people earlier in the day is usually a lot easier. I'm oscillating between not wanting to take it again, or just do two classes on Monday.  On Tuesday we had book club.  I enjoy Water for Elephants so much that I...don't want to see the movie.  I worry they will butcher a beautiful story.  On Wednesday was yoga.  We make an intention at the beginning of the class.  Mine was "to be present."  I wanted to be there, to enjoy and feel each pose and not spend the whole class wondering when it was over. I think that the rainy weather just got everyone down.  My mom showed up late Wednesday night, so yesterday we ran some errands (because nothing says 'hi mom! like a visit to Costco) and todayyyy we have a charity bingo game tonight. I'm really looking forward to 'bingo for boobies!'  I have boobies, and as it turns out, I like bingo as well (even if I'll never win anything).  As you have probably guessed, it is a charity event.

Here is to getting out of a funk! *raises water bottle*

What did you do this last week? Are you feeling down because of all this rain?