Vacation highlights, life updates and blogging confessions

I realized today, while my husband was giving me another HTML/CSS lesson that, in the midst of the insanity of the last week, I had neglected to post much. Some of these updates are short on purpose--I want to expound on them in other entries that I haven't had the time to write yet. I feel bad 'stealing' my husband's laptop while we're out of town, and I can feel his palpable desire to be playing a video game from the other room.

Swap:
I was reluctant to post about this immediately afterwards because I didn't want to come off as bitchy, but here goes. It did not, in any way, go as planned. In the past, I spend a week frantically attempting to clean my house,  begging for tables, and having everything prepared, then on the appointed morning, everyone shows up on time and swaps. At the end, people take all the leftover stuff to charity, leaving me exhausted but with a moderately clean house.  This time though, most people seemed to cancel, show up really late, or just showed up to hang out.

 I can't overstate the awesome of having few enough people in my house that I was able to sit down and have real conversations with people. However,  I have to admit that it was frustrating to spend so much time, energy and money, only to have the swap aspect of it...sort of flop.  I know my husband had an awesome time gathering geeky stuff for his side of the swap, but since none of his friends seemed to show up at the same time, he's going to basically warehouse all of the stuff people brought, and have another event in the future.   I also felt bad for the people that brought things to swap, and took home very little.  I feel like I need to apologize to them, even though so much of this was out of my control.  All ends well though, since the high schooler that scored all of our leftover clothing to give away to our local community, was super psyched. I would also like to give a huge thank you to our friends that came and hung out all day, and made it a really fun time. Also a thank you to my table providers, food cookers, people who moved stuff for me, and everyone that showed up.

Trainer:
Ummm...so I've been somewhat steadily losing weight over the last 15 months, and have realized that I really need to kick up the physical activity aspect of my weight loss, and work on getting muscle tone back and getting some endurance. I'm pretty pitiful in the endurance department right now.  Watching Biggest Loser has actually inspired me to get more active, and in that spirit, I took my friend up on her recommendation of a personal trainer.  This woman is beyond perky. Think...hyper without caffeine, now add in a gallon of coffee to the mix. I have to admit, when I met her at her gym for our first session, the fact that it was filled with skinny fit people...very intimidating.  Just for the record--I was rightfully scared of the hyper one, because my quads were so sore the next day, that I could barely walk.  She failed in the 'taking it easy' aspect of our first session.   This session is short because I'm going to write more about this later.

Vacation: 
Ha...ha...ha. Oh so many stories already.  Did you know this massive blizzard was supposed to hit the DC area last week? Actually supposed to hit the same time yours truly was supposed to fly out of a DC area airport to fly to sunny Florida?  Oh well, it was, but in true DC style, the storm was a dud.  We didn't know that though, so we ended up in Florida a day ahead of schedule, sans a hotel room or car. Here are some highlights so far though:

• It sucks, but you can pack for vacation in an hour. You'll forget your camera, an extra duffle bag, cash and a variety of other things, but it can be done.
• Getting a rental car that I've dubbed 'the dickmobile!
• Buying a vacation package and when we arrive finding out that it's a timeshare.  Kitchen and laundry for the win!
• Finding out that there are two outlet malls in Orlando and we're at the wrong one
• Rainforest Cafe -- definitely about the experience, and the experience is better if you're under 10
• Heated pools are manna from heaven
• 5 story arcades make 40th birthday's awesome
• So does getting a blue handprint on your head
• BUTTERBEER BUTTERBEER BUTTERBEER!!!!! Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter!!!!
• I likey resorts...

Confessional: 
Overall, a hectic, crazy, but fun couple of weeks.  I think blog writing is sort of like exercising, the more you do it, the more you want to do it.  If you stop for awhile though, it's much much harder to get back into it. Consistency is key in so many aspects of life and has always been what I struggle with.  I however, love writing this blog, love getting the feedback, and love having random people I didn't know read my blog, quote it to me.  Yes, I'm a bit of an attention whore and it makes me feel special inside.

I have a confession to make though. I don't ever feel like I can be completely open here. I really struggle with not wanting to hurt peoples feelings, or having stuff that I write come back and bite me in the ass.  The two times I've written and posted opinions about people in here, I was immediately told how wrong my opinions were, or that my recounting of a story was incorrect.  Just for the record--I'm not changing a post simply because you don't like how I perceive a situation.  That would ruin the entire point of blogging for me.

My husband has even given me a strict directive to not make fun of him here, although I may tease, cajole, and regale you with tails of his funny antics, I have no intention of mocking him or hurting his feelings.  I never want to do that, but at the same time, I do want to be open, raw, and honest with my writing.  I have an unfortunate tendency to lean towards the negative in my speech and writing, and I make a conscious effort to keep my blog on the happier sunshiney side of things.  I also have this odd, pathological need to have some conclusion in what I do--in my writings you'll see that I always have to 'finish' a post, or in games (why I can't stand games that take too long to play) or books (I like finishing them in 2-3 sittings max).  This need for conclusion makes it really hard for me to open up about issues that I haven't figured out myself yet.

Conclusion?  We will see.  I'm learning a lot about blogging, myself, growing older...and it will be really interesting to see how this blog evolves with me.  My husband originally named my blog, when he set it up, but I never changed it because it resounded so well with me. We all start on square one, and then figure it out as we go. Here's to attempting to figure stuff out.

Jan-March Goal update and life changes

February Update on Goals:

So ... I did mention in my original post that I had some issues with procrastination right? I didn't procrastinate in my attempts to do my goals, just to update you on them!

I'll go through each goal that I set here, and update you on my progress. I should probably set new goals for myself too. Once again, these aren't all of my goals that I'm working towards.


This blog:

January goal:
Write in blog 2 times a week.  Start writing a design document to lay out how I want my blog to look after it's redesigned. Discuss the design document with the hubs.
Update:
I've been much better about updating and have been averaging about 2x a week.
I haven't really discussed a redesign of my blog with my husband, but I have spent a lot of time playing around with different layouts on my own. I discovered different tabs, and have enjoyed creating new ones. (hint...please check them out!) I could be doing a lot more with the background and I know this, which is why I keep changing it!

March Goal:
Continue to blog, 2-3 times a week. I like the game series I am doing, and playing more games with my husband has helped us get closer too!
I want to publish more meal plans, and recipe posts.
What other posts do people find interesting? I can only put up so many pictures of my cat...

Health:

January goal:
Go to Yoga class on Sunday morning.  Try a Zumba class.  Doesn't matter when or if I only do it for 20 minutes--just get over my fear of the new and unknown.  Also, get on elliptical in my room at least 1x a week.  First thing in the morning? It would be awesome. Sweat is our friend. Work on anxiety issues. Find a cognitive therapist.  Make an appointment.
Update:
Umm...can I skip this section? I was doing great for about a week, even started to lose some weight and then I got sick and used it as an excuse to backslide. I found that when I ate crap, and didn't exercise, I craved more crap and less exercise.
I didn't go to yoga. I didn't try a Zumba class either. In fact, I went to the gym 2 times.  This is really depressing. I have however been using my elliptical and going for walks more. Now If I could get myself to do that daily, I wouldn't feel guilty about not exercising enough.

March goal:
Go to the gym 2x/week. Walk at least 10 minutes a day, be it outside or on the elliptical.  I'm baby stepping on this one. I'd rather outshine my goals then feel like crap in a month when I realize that Ive once again not done what I hoped.

Food:

January goal:
meal plan meeting 1x week with husband.  Personally plan small meals/snacks for myself. Make sure to have these foods on hand so that I can eat every 3 hours.
Update:
We have been better at meal planning but I'm still having trouble with finding quick and easy food to eat.  It's a never ending battle lately. I have been better about meals in general, and not eating out as much though but it doesn't seem that it's saved us money.

March Goal:
Less eating out, more meal planning. Oh, and stop going to Costco--my spending there is ridiculous.  Always have hard boiled eggs in the fridge, and create a list of quick snacks that we can have. Why? Because you can't think when you are too hungry. Also, taking a nap when you are hungry and waking up starving is a bad life choice.


Books:

January goal: Read the first Hunger Games book. Yes, I've been told that I'll be immediately HOOKED but it's all about the starting.
Update:
Oh I read the entire series. Big thanks to my friend who lent me the electronic copy.  My husband is reading to me almost every night and it puts me right to sleep! I love it, and the series that we are reading (series name).  I also went into the physical library and got a book and a couple of audiobooks that I can listen to in the car. The library is right next to where I babysit, so it's a great stop on my way home.

March Goal:
Less TV more reading.  Find a way to play more audiobooks in the house so that you'll get more done instead of being attached to the computer.

Entertainment:

January goal: Make decision on future of group, and volunteer. Significantly cut down on TV and Internet time by downloading audio books to listen to, with my new handy dandy library card (that I have yet to use:( ).

Update:
I've covered the library issues above.  We are volunteering more, which is great, and I have significantly cut down on my TV watching.  As far as my group goes, I'm still not entirely sure what is going to happen. I'm keeping really busy though so it's becoming less of an issue.

March Goal:
Continue!

Going forward:

I am pretty excited about what has been happening in my life. I have going to more events, meeting more people and making more friends. I'm spending lots of time playing board games, organizing events, babysitting and most recently, I decided to start my own business.  Starting next month, I am going to become a Slumber Parties consultant!

If you haven't hard of Slumber Parties and you are still thinking of middle school girls having pillow fights, I'm sorry to disillusion you.  This Slumber Parties is a home based party company that sells lotions, potions, romance aids and lingerie.   I first went to a party in while in college, and another recently, was once again realized how much I love the company, and their products. I was really struck by their goals to help women create a safe and fun environment to discuss relationships, romance and sex. It's empowering to not feel constrained by society in your abilities to ask questions about sexual health and to realize you aren't alone. It's something that many women never have a chance to have.

I'm sure I'll continue to regularly write about my Slumber Parties adventure, and I hope that I can make a success out of this venture. So...let's see what adventures March brings!

Second Chances, how Facebook did NOT kill the high school reunion

or not! (image not mine)

Facebook** has allowed for me to get close to people that I probably would have written off after high school was over, and never talked to again.  I thank it for that because I am someone that always wants to give people second chances, and I've been blessed to meet people again at a different place in their life.  Unless you were the most popular kid in high school, you probably look back at those years and cringe at the clothing you wore, the crap you said, and the attitude that you had.  I know I do. I was annoying as all hell. I probably still am, but people seem to complain about it less now. I'm also...happier now. Numerous people have commented on this over the past decade.  I wonder how chronically miserable I was.  My teen years had happy moments, but there was so much stress, desire to escape and it felt like I had no one to talk to.  There was this chronic cloud hanging over me as I just prayed that people wouldn't make fun of me and humiliate me that day.  I gave up band my senior year because I couldn't deal with being bullied (private lessons though? Best decision ever). My history teacher wasn't kidding when he said I wore my heart on my sleeve.

High school was only bearable because I had friends that didn't care if I talked too much. They didn't care about my clothing. I had no money or fashion sense, and that's a deadly combination in high school. They didn't care about my hair, which probably always looked awful because I suffer from dandruff and didn't learn what a flat iron was until college.  Looking back...I really was a hot mess, but also fortunate to meet some amazing non judgmental people that I still consider some of my closest friends.

When facebook came around I didn't know if I wanted to invite any of the 'popular' kids to be my 'friends' but my brief  time on myspace showed me that with a little life experience under our belts, most of us turned out to be really decent people. A high school friend's ex boyfriend and I had some great conversations, and even found our significant others at the same time, and were able to share this joy with each other after reconnecting on myspace.  He was an idiot teenager, but a nice adult.

My first realized how much life had changed when I started reading a couple of blogs of women that I had attended high school with. The first was a woman that blogged about being a single parent to a beautiful little girl.  Since I moved 500 miles away for college, I totally missed that she wasn't with her high school boy friend anymore and all of the sudden (in my mind) had a two year old.  Her blog chronicled the difficulties of being a single parent while working and attending school, but also how she rose up to those challenges and kicked their ass.  She ended up moving recently and when I asked about her blog she replied that it was "written for a different time in her life, and that time is over." When I see how happy she is now, I smile to myself, understanding how far she has come.  Her blog was one of my gateway drugs to blogging. I got hooked her's and soon after I started reading it, got more serious about my own blogging. It really helped me see how we had changed since high school. We had been sort of friends in middle school (conspiring over nano pets, and our shared dislike of our English teacher).  High school, she got more popular, and I got more annoying, either of caring enough to be empathetic to the other's situation.

Another blog that I still religiously follow is the blog of the sister of one of my classmates.  Oh how I wanted to be her. Cute, petite, perky and popular. Do our feelings as teenager generally go past envy and jealousy? When I found her blog she had recently suffered a miscarriage, and I just wanted to cry for her.  But then, she was pregnant again, and through her blog I got to see her joy and belly grow. Then I witnessed the birth story and pictures, and over the last year have watched her daughter blossom.  Seriously? Her daughter is insanely adorable.

What prompted me to write this entry was being recently invited to join a group on facebook for girls that wanted to get in shape.  It was started by a woman that my brother was actually friends with first. It was startling to hear the tales of these women that I envied in high school because they were thinner and more popular than me, discussing having the same issues, the same struggles, and the same heartache in their journey to lose weight that I've had.

The moral of the story? Give people a second chance. Allow them to have some time to grow up. I needed it.  In the past, 10 year class reunions were a chance to diet frantically for the months leading up to it, buy your sexiest dress, go get drunk and accidentally slip up and admit that you cheated on so and so with so and so's boyfriend.  It was a one night thing that might lead to some renewed friendships but mostly, it seems to me, was an opportunity to show off pictures of your kids and how skinny you had gotten while feeling vindicated about how the popular kids got fat. One night.  One night isn't a second chance, it's barely enough time for people to want to spend time in the same room again.  Instead of one night, I've gotten 7 years of watching people graduate from college, get married, have children, build businesses and grow up.  I've had an opportunity for friendships that I wasn't ready or able to have years ago, and the freedom to walk away. When I go to my class reunion, instead of feeling awkward, I'll be able to see a room of friends.  We can skip the bit about showing off, and just catch up.

**Note: This wasn't meant to be a facebook is awesome post.  Yes, facebook has some serious downsides, like their business morals and privacy sharing but it has changed the reality of my generation.  I don't think that facebook has killed class reunions, but instead made them a much more enjoyable, less stressful affair.  I can finally keep in touch with family that I haven't seen in years, and watch through pictures and videos, their children growing. This to me is pretty amazing.  I can do it through google + too, and have been, so this ability to reconnect isn't strictly a facebook ability.

Sorry for typos--spell check hates me, and I can't proofread very well.

Struggle

I have really been struggling since my last post.  I was on a downswing before I went to the doctor and since she took me off of the SSRI's that I would use to get out of depressive states, I can't seem to get out of this funk.
Last week I was prescribed abilify. I could go on a rant about how I detest taking new to market drugs with no generic (only $588 dollars before insurance!), or how the side effects (increase risk of death!) scare me shitless, but really I'm fighting the whole 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it!' aspect of this diagnoses.  I know that typical depression meds work for me. I had been taking them on and off for the last decade, and it was my own negligence of remembering, or wanting to take a pill that probably led to 99% of failure that I may have had with them.  Since I know that I needed something, and I don't really like feeling like an evil witch, on edge and ready to snap at the first person to look at me, I sucked it up and got the abilify.  Abilify...how I flipping hate thee.  How can I say that after one day? I haven't slept...all flipping night.  I like, no love and treasure my sleep.  I do NOT like laying down at 10:30, being awakened around 11 by my husband's snoring, and then falling asleep, waking up, falling asleep waking up, fall....okay you get the picture, for the next 4 hours to just finally give up at 2:30 am and come downstairs to watch Glee.  I love Glee, but I'm just not a fan of 3am.  Hell..I'm not even TIRED anymore.  Let's see what other fantastic side effects that I get from a medicine that I don't think is right for me.

Thank you to everyone that wrote to me, both publicly and privately after my last post.  It still blows my mind when people call me because they read my blog, or the first thing some relative that I don't frequently talk to says is "I read your blog!"  While it is hard, feeling like I frequently have to censor myself, I do truly enjoy writing here.

I go on Tuesday to have lots of blood drawn and have a sonogram to test for PCOS.  If you haven't had one of those lovely procedures done, I'll just let it surprise you down the line. There is nothing like having to drink 30oz of water in an hour and not be allowed to pee!

This past week I have done lots of activities. It has been a struggle to go, but having people there that I know and care about helps a huge deal.  On Monday we tried out water Zumba.  I was disappointed that it wasn't a difficult work out. In fact, my water aerobics with the old people earlier in the day is usually a lot easier. I'm oscillating between not wanting to take it again, or just do two classes on Monday.  On Tuesday we had book club.  I enjoy Water for Elephants so much that I...don't want to see the movie.  I worry they will butcher a beautiful story.  On Wednesday was yoga.  We make an intention at the beginning of the class.  Mine was "to be present."  I wanted to be there, to enjoy and feel each pose and not spend the whole class wondering when it was over. I think that the rainy weather just got everyone down.  My mom showed up late Wednesday night, so yesterday we ran some errands (because nothing says 'hi mom! like a visit to Costco) and todayyyy we have a charity bingo game tonight. I'm really looking forward to 'bingo for boobies!'  I have boobies, and as it turns out, I like bingo as well (even if I'll never win anything).  As you have probably guessed, it is a charity event.

Here is to getting out of a funk! *raises water bottle*

What did you do this last week? Are you feeling down because of all this rain?

A series of randomness tied together with more randomness

I've been suffering from a writers block of sorts.  I'm not ready to write another faith blog entry. I wrote about high school and my introduction to Islam in college.  Next on my journey is meeting the little girl that I nannied for and learning about the Baha'i faith.  Give me some time to think that through. This entry seems to just be a brain dump of all that is on my brain.  I feel like I need to write, but unusually my brain isn't chock full of blog ideas.  Before I go to bed I generally can't stop thinking of blog ideas.  I decided today to follow the advice of the girl that sat next to be in first grade, who told me to 'start writing, and it will come to you and you will keep writing.' Best advice I think I've ever gotten.

I realized recently that I was buying far too many groceries for the two of us, because our old house guest was eating more than I realized, and my husband is eating a lot less than he used to.  I have really had to adjust how much I buy, and try to plan meals. I have also had to learn what I like. Odd concept I know--being 26 and not really knowing how to shop for yourself.  I'm great at buying for other people, but I struggle when it comes to what I want and will eat.  I have realized that I need some convenience food.  I try to keep the food in my house as healthy as possible, but at the same time I need some things I can just grab and eat.  Trader Joe's cereal bars are currently a big thing. When I don't eat, my blood sugar plummets and I become a bitch on wheels. It isn't pretty. If you don't believe me, ask my husband.  He'll throw a cereal bar at me, and get me a cup of juice and tell me to eat and then we can talk.  I also love Chobani yogurt. It is the only Greek yogurt I like.  I know fage is better, but I don't like it as much.  I know I was making my own yogurt, and enjoyed it to a degree but *sigh* I am more likely to eat the Chobani  yogurt. I just gave up and realized this.
I have this problem of buying food that I think is healthy, and feeding it to my husband and then realizing that I don't want to eat any of it, and it goes bad.  Bad me...very bad me. So...had to reassess what I like and this time I went to the store I did that. I bought yogurt, and grapes and bananas and cereal bars. All things that are healthy, quick and easily eaten.

On to a completely different topic...
When I started writing a 'blog' it was on live journal back in the 90's.  It was just that, a journal.  It wasn't a 'blog', but more of a diary. I was writing to and for myself.  This isn't so.  I write about myself, and perhaps my writing has a cathartic affect on me, but it is is intended for other people to read. A blog is not a diary. A diary is meant to be read by one person, and one person only.  This is why, despite my perverse love of peeking into other people's lives through their online journals, I don't want to cross that line.  As open and truthful as I am about me, and my experiences none of us live in a vacuum.  I refuse to compromise the privacy of people who don't want their business splashed across the internet. Nothing specific brought this up except for reading blogs that have gone down in flames after the writer thought that people would agree with their offbeat theories on child rearing and the readers thought that calling Child Protective Services was a better option. I wrote my faith series because it helped me, and as it turned out, other people.  I didn't write it because I wanted to controversial or call out Christians or Muslims.  I'll do that later (beware fundamentalists).

And now I switch gears again, courtesy of ADD!
My husband and I planned about a month ago to have a housewarming party this weekend. I had all of these  people that I wanted to invite, since I lived in this area before and can't wait to show off my new house.  I was disappointed when only a few of my friends RSVP'ed while the vast majority (think like 50 people) didn't.  It was just another (probably irrational) blow to my ego this week. I'm just nostalgic for our awesome parties back in WV when we knew everyone that would, could and wanted to come before we even planned them, and without trying could get 10-15 people over for rockband or card games.  I'm excited to have this party this weekend, I'm just a ball of angst right now.  Yeah, that sums it up well...a ball of angst.  I think laying in bed or the tub and reading more of Water for Elephants: A Novel is called for.  We are reading it for bookclub, so of course I started it last night (to have it read in 5 days.  Luckily I can read quickly, and I am enjoying it.