Friday, May 20, 2011


I have really been struggling since my last post.  I was on a downswing before I went to the doctor and since she took me off of the SSRI's that I would use to get out of depressive states, I can't seem to get out of this funk.
Last week I was prescribed abilify. I could go on a rant about how I detest taking new to market drugs with no generic (only $588 dollars before insurance!), or how the side effects (increase risk of death!) scare me shitless, but really I'm fighting the whole 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it!' aspect of this diagnoses.  I know that typical depression meds work for me. I had been taking them on and off for the last decade, and it was my own negligence of remembering, or wanting to take a pill that probably led to 99% of failure that I may have had with them.  Since I know that I needed something, and I don't really like feeling like an evil witch, on edge and ready to snap at the first person to look at me, I sucked it up and got the abilify. I flipping hate thee.  How can I say that after one day? I haven't slept...all flipping night.  I like, no love and treasure my sleep.  I do NOT like laying down at 10:30, being awakened around 11 by my husband's snoring, and then falling asleep, waking up, falling asleep waking up, fall....okay you get the picture, for the next 4 hours to just finally give up at 2:30 am and come downstairs to watch Glee.  I love Glee, but I'm just not a fan of 3am.  Hell..I'm not even TIRED anymore.  Let's see what other fantastic side effects that I get from a medicine that I don't think is right for me.

Thank you to everyone that wrote to me, both publicly and privately after my last post.  It still blows my mind when people call me because they read my blog, or the first thing some relative that I don't frequently talk to says is "I read your blog!"  While it is hard, feeling like I frequently have to censor myself, I do truly enjoy writing here.

I go on Tuesday to have lots of blood drawn and have a sonogram to test for PCOS.  If you haven't had one of those lovely procedures done, I'll just let it surprise you down the line. There is nothing like having to drink 30oz of water in an hour and not be allowed to pee!

This past week I have done lots of activities. It has been a struggle to go, but having people there that I know and care about helps a huge deal.  On Monday we tried out water Zumba.  I was disappointed that it wasn't a difficult work out. In fact, my water aerobics with the old people earlier in the day is usually a lot easier. I'm oscillating between not wanting to take it again, or just do two classes on Monday.  On Tuesday we had book club.  I enjoy Water for Elephants so much that I...don't want to see the movie.  I worry they will butcher a beautiful story.  On Wednesday was yoga.  We make an intention at the beginning of the class.  Mine was "to be present."  I wanted to be there, to enjoy and feel each pose and not spend the whole class wondering when it was over. I think that the rainy weather just got everyone down.  My mom showed up late Wednesday night, so yesterday we ran some errands (because nothing says 'hi mom! like a visit to Costco) and todayyyy we have a charity bingo game tonight. I'm really looking forward to 'bingo for boobies!'  I have boobies, and as it turns out, I like bingo as well (even if I'll never win anything).  As you have probably guessed, it is a charity event.

Here is to getting out of a funk! *raises water bottle*

What did you do this last week? Are you feeling down because of all this rain?


  1. Abilify- so that is what you are taking. I wondered. My Mom takes Geodon, another "atypical," which is also like $600 without insurance. It literally sickens me to think of that... and all the people that could never begin to afford it.... sorry, that is a rant for another place (my blog, perhaps).
    So, you are off the antidepressants? Oh. Well, many side effects go away after a week or two, but if you are still having problems, call the doctor. If you really really do not like the med, call the doctor. You could also seek out another doctor if this one wont consider your concerns.
    It often takes patients with bipolar years before they find the right combo of meds that work for them. And yes, for most people, it is a combo.
    Good luck!

  2. Oh no Sarah--I had some big rants. I had to wait a couple of days to get over how angry I was about the financial aspect (along with the pharmacy telling me it would cost 100$).
    I'm willing to try a new med. I'm willing to see how it goes...but I ideally do NOT want to be on these meds. I would rather be on wellbutrin, which frankly, is my goal to get on. I want to be able to have kids and breastfeed, things I can do on this crap (i mean...medicine)

  3. Yes, I understand your anger and other feelings. I take Webllbutrin, actually. I've taken it for years. It can send *some* people into a manic state, though, but obviously not everyone.
    A good therapist is also key, especially if you hope to not always be on meds. Many people need to be. Not all do. You probably know this by now. A therapist can help you learn coping skills and other tools with which to manage your condition.
    Also, I have been awfully opinionated about all this, and I am not trying to be bossy. Hopefully, it doesn't come across that way.

  4. You're opinionated because you know what you are talking about!
    My old therapist told me that most likely I would have to take meds for the rest of my life. I just need to actually take them CORRECTLY (meaning actually taking them). Time to find a good therapist!

  5. Eileen, my mantra that I use during mediation is something like "I have nothing else to right now but be here now." when clearing your mind, i always was like, well SOMETHING is going to be in it! finding a little mantra or counting breaths is a good way.

    Good luck with the gyno....hoping for some good news!!!

  6. I've had my own experiences with SSRI's (Prozac, Lexapro) and know what a struggle it can be to determine if life is better with or without the medication. It really seems like a double edged sword (unless of course you miraculously find a drug that works well). I've been on and off them for a few years and am currently in the "off" phase. The side effects can be so frustrating and make you wonder if it's even worth it. It's sometimes hard to find a semblance of self too... are you more "you" when you are suffering from depression/anxiety or more yourself when you are medicated??

    For me, I think I just feel more comfortable with what I'm familiar with (the anxiety, depression)... I feel like I know how to deal with those things and be (mostly) successful. I don't know how to deal with life when medications alter my motivation and everything I'm used to. With that said, when the weight of those things become too strong I'm sure I'll rely on the aid of medications for at least a short time again.

    Hopefully you find what works best for you. I don't know how bad your depression is, but I've learned that while I'm unmedicated, staying busy and around others can be extremely helpful. Good luck to you and I hope you find a happy balance:):)



I love comments and promise to read all of them! If you have a problem posting just email me at eileenkward at gmail dot com