The day I wrote my last post I gave up on the abilify. It was ruining my moods, and life. I took a celexa and went to bed. I woke up a different person. For the last 4 days I have been myself again, happy, energetic, motivated, compromising and not constantly pissy. My emotions are rational and match the situation.
While taking Abilify none of those things were true. For the entire week I didn't clean my house (not me at all), had no energy, no motivation and was an uncompromising bitch. I was the worse, my husband says, that I have been in the entire time he knew me. I am not sure if the medicine threw me into a 'mania' as the doctor wishes to describe it (the unreasonable anger is considered an up vs. down) or if it was the phentermine and then exacerbated by the Abilify. Either way, this first medicine attempt--unmitigated failure.
It is here that I need to insert a huge thanks to my mom and husband. My mom that drove all this way to see her daughter and I couldn't be nice to save my life. I just wanted to sleep, not clean and sit on the couch. Thank you guys for putting up with me. I'm so glad that I can lean on such awesome people.
What do I do now? Where does this lead me? The medicine that isn't supposed to work on me, is the only thing that DOES seem to work on me, and it works fast. So I went back to the doctor this week and actually took some notes, which of course I now can't find. One thing I do remember her saying which made me wonder more about the diagnoses her asking my husband and I which was worse--my depression or my anger. He answered my depression, saying he worried that I would hurt myself. I answered the opposite, "My anger," I said. "I can't control it."
The doctor replyed that this is exactly why she thinks that I am bipolar--that the ups (the anger) and the downs (the depression) must be treated equally. That they are both valid symptoms of the same disorder. Do I believe her? I don't know. She prescribed me a different medicine (Geodone I believe) which I may, or may not take. I cannot describe how much I hate the pharmaceutical roulette game. What will this next medicine do to me? What side effects will it have? Will it do irrevicable damage to me?
When I expressed my worries about the side effects of anti psycotics vs. anti depressants, the Doctor basically said that every drug has side effects. Yeah, I get that, but these ones seems more significant. What do you think?
What do I do next? I plan on seeking a second opinion. Maybe I will go back to my psyciatrist in Virginia whom I saw before I moved. I do want to find a therapist that will help me learn coping skills to deal with the anger, and the depression, when it arrises. If this diagnoses is correct, then it will allow us to have the tools in hand to deal with things like post partum depression better. If it isn't correct...then I don't want to take medicine that will turn me into a zombie.
This week I also got my sonogram, and blood draw. The woman preforming the sonogram thinks that I have at least some PCOS. I saw at least 7 'blobs' where my ovary was on one side. The multitudes of blood tests (6 vials people!) will tell the rest. Who knows, maybe once I get my hormones evened out, or even just my blood sugar, many of my other symptoms will disappear.
Here is to a happy, healthy, wonderful life. Right now...I'm going to snuggle a baby. I'm having a wonderful time with my friends out in WV.