Friday, May 27, 2011

End of Funkdom

The day I wrote my last post I gave up on the abilify. It was ruining my moods, and life. I took a celexa and went to bed. I woke up a different person.  For the last 4 days I have been myself again, happy, energetic, motivated, compromising and not constantly pissy. My emotions are rational and match the situation.

While taking Abilify none of those things were true.  For the entire week I didn't clean my house (not me at all), had no energy, no motivation and was an uncompromising bitch.  I was the worse, my husband says, that I have been in the entire time he knew me. I am not sure if the medicine threw me into a 'mania' as the doctor wishes to describe it (the unreasonable anger is considered an up vs. down) or if it was the phentermine and then exacerbated by the Abilify. Either way, this first medicine attempt--unmitigated failure. 

It is here that I need to insert a huge thanks to my mom and husband. My mom that drove all this way to see her daughter and I couldn't be nice to save my life.  I just wanted to sleep, not clean and sit on the couch.  Thank you guys for putting up with me.  I'm so glad that I can lean on such awesome people.  

What do I do now?  Where does this lead me? The medicine that isn't supposed to work on me, is the only thing that DOES seem to work on me, and it works fast. So I went back to the doctor this week and actually took some notes, which of course I now can't find.  One thing I do remember her saying which made me wonder more about the diagnoses her asking my husband and I which was worse--my depression or my anger. He answered my depression, saying he worried that I would hurt myself.  I answered the opposite, "My anger," I said. "I can't control it."

The doctor replyed that this is exactly why she thinks that I am bipolar--that the ups (the anger) and the downs (the depression) must be treated equally.  That they are both valid symptoms of the same disorder. Do I believe her? I don't know.  She prescribed me a different medicine (Geodone I believe) which I may, or may not take.  I cannot describe how much I hate the pharmaceutical roulette game.  What will this next medicine do to me? What side effects will it have? Will it do irrevicable damage to me?

When I expressed my worries about the side effects of anti psycotics vs. anti depressants, the Doctor basically said that every drug has side effects. Yeah, I get that, but these ones seems more significant.  What do you think?

What do I do next? I plan on seeking a second opinion.  Maybe I will go back to my psyciatrist in Virginia whom I saw before I moved.  I do want to find a therapist that will help me learn coping skills to deal with the anger, and the depression, when it arrises.  If this diagnoses is correct, then it will allow us to have the tools in hand to deal with things like post partum depression better. If it isn't correct...then I don't want to take medicine that will turn me into a zombie. 

This week I also got my sonogram, and blood draw.  The woman preforming the sonogram thinks that I have at least some PCOS. I saw at least 7 'blobs' where my ovary was on one side.  The multitudes of blood tests (6 vials people!) will tell the rest.  Who knows, maybe once I get my hormones evened out, or even just my blood sugar, many of my other symptoms will disappear. 

Here is to a happy, healthy, wonderful life.  Right now...I'm going to snuggle a baby. I'm having a wonderful time with my friends out in WV. 


  1. I'll ask my friend for her psychiatrist's name and number for you. They'd be in/around Columbia, so not too far.

    A second opinion isn't a bad idea - I'm not sure I like the energy of this doc and how dismissive she is of your concerns. It's important for a patient to be in the driver's seat of their healthcare. This is your life, your body. You take ownership of it and responsibility for it and that should be respected, not dismissed.

    Hang in there, sweets. Whether you believe in what I call god or not...I'm still praying for you. :)

  2. I am glad you are feeling better now. I hope you are able to find the right med/s for you. I definetly agree that seeking another opinion is wise. As is finding a trusted therapist. My mom takes Geodon. She has taken it for about 5 years. She tried other meds first.
    If you ever want to talk more about any of this, let me know.

  3. You know, reading your posts about how you've been feeling and stuff makes me wonder if I may have something similar. I've been told by my last doctor that I have severe depression, but I haven't been on any sort of medication in years. I think there is more to it than just depression. I even thought something like ADHD. But doctors around here don't really seem to want to work with you. They suspect everyone of trying to get pills, so they are quick to prescribe crap medicine. I'd probably have to go to Fort Wayne or something to talk to a psychiatrist or something. Maybe the VA. Who knows. But I can't afford shit like that, so I get to live in my little misery bubble. Fun fun!!

  4. I too wonder if you are not like my son. ADHD and depression [he has anxiety too]. His ADHD is manifested by distractability or hyper-focus depending on his interest, inability to sit still/ fidget and intense bursts of anger to the point if hitting his head on floor or wall as a toddler. So now as a young adult he had severe bouts of depression that I worry about and he has severe bursts of anger that he worries about.

    Ultimately his depression was triggered by biochemical anxiety that got out of control. So, the depression meds did not work. But, I am so happy you are taking what works for you again.

    My son's 2 therapy goals with MSW, are to deal with identifying triggers for both anger and anxiety and to learn more appropriate reactions to both as well. One homework he recently had was to keep a journal of when exactly happened just before he gets angry or anxious. I bet the anger ones all have to do w/me :)

    I will ask my adol pscyh friend I have know since High School if she knows someone good around here too. She gave me great referrals for us.

    I also would not rule out some of the anger and depression is due to health related issues that are not only emotional. Much of my son's depression and anger have to do with having Celiac Disease and also have to do with having a mom who has been sick for 10 of his 18 yrs of life too.

    I get depressed and angry sometimes due to my chronic health issues that is why I go to therapy once a month to check in. I used to go more frequently, but now that I realized some connections and learned strategies to deal with them better. I know how to catch it before I get into a true depression and allow myself to have a depressed day, deal with the issue and move on [or angry day if that is the case]

    Sunny days ahead,

  5. Eileen, I think you and the comments here all point to - make the therapist a priority over the psychiatrist. What a couple of the commentors above mention are basically cognitive-behavioral therapies.

    Good luck with the Gyno stuff, I am hoping for some good news. I want to be an auntie (sort-of) :)


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