On Friday I packed up my husbands SUV and headed out to West Virginia. I was supposed to go to Baltimore to have lunch with Roni from greelitebites.com, but once again our plans were foiled, first by weather and then by an event that had been rescheduled to this Friday, due to weather LAST Friday. We will have lunch eventually, hopefully before her baby is born lol.
Right now I am watching my friend's son mumbling and giggling while attempting to catch a cat who is not at all interested in being caught. I managed to show up around lunch time Friday, since I left right after the morning rush hour. Traffic was fantastic (meaning, minimal) all the way here, and uneventful.
While my life before I left WV was concentrated mainly around toddlers, and how much I desperately wanted a baby, being around them again makes me wonder. Do I want all the noise, the constant needs, whining and stress? People have told me since I can remember what a great mother I would make while I constantly question how true that statement is. Am I able to give my friend's kids my 'all' because it is short term? If I had my own, would I just become lazy? I have all of these ideas of the mother that I would like to be, the activities that I would like to do with my kids, the places I want to go. Does everyone reassess their desire or ability to be a parent around time when there is no going back? Here is the thing....all those insecurities aside, I know I can do it. I also know that I will try my hardest to give it my all, and am not afraid to ask for help. Above all, I know that I have my amazing husband who will stand by my side through it all.
I also had another realization. I am more judgmental than I should be. I don't think that is it possible to be completely non-judgmental just as it is impossible to be completely objective, but I could definitely judge less. My friends raise their kids as they see fit, and I should just give their children all of the love I can in the world while I am there, and raise my children as I see fit. I tend to think since I read constantly and research that everyone should want to know that I have to think, but I also need to learn to shut my mouth, even if I disagree with people.
I'm in a funk...I am really really tired and I haven't been sleeping well. My friend told me that basically, it isn't healthy that I am waking up every 90 minutes, and remembering it every single time. At home it is mostly because my husband's snoring will wake me completely. While visiting friends it is because I am on a different bed. I don't want to take medicine but I only vaguely remember the last time I slept through the night without waking up, and it involved sleeping in my bed, alone, while my husband was out of town. I want to sleep with my husband, I love the feel of being next to him, and even here while I am away I still find myself reaching for him and longing for his heat and presence next to me. Ear plugs you say? Oh, I've tried them, many a time. They either fall out, or make my ears itch horribly so even if I fall asleep I end up TAKING them out in my sleep. I think I just need a really really comfortable guest bed. In the mean time, pardon me if I am a little grouchy and sleepy.